The Hardest Part About Growing Up...

So I've been thinking (and as we know, that is always a very interesting, and usually emotional spiral and I really should just kick the habit), but I have. I have been trying to figure out why - after something like 5 months, I am not 100% "over" a relationship that lasted 4. Now those 4 months were...absolutely wonderful and the person was great. But why on earth is this taking so long?! It's really quite frustrating, to say the least.

We already know that I am a person who gets attached - and not only that, I hold on tight. I have had a tendency in my life to hold on to things with unimaginable strength, and then to simply let them go and move on as though I had been preparing for that day for awhile. The best, and first, example of this was between Junior High and High School. My mom actually told me that she was worried about me - worried that I wouldn't be ready for high school when it came because I was so happy in the 8th grade. (Apparently this contentedness is something that most 8th graders don't share.) But the astonishing thing to my mother, was that when 8th grade ended and 9th grade started, I jumped in with both feet and never looked back. And this has been the case with most transitions in my life.

But why, why can't I just move on like I "should." Well, I was trying to figure this out and googled the psychology of this phenomenon and the article I read (while mostly entirely unhelpful) had one good remark - we hold on to exs because it lets us access the part of ourselves that can love.

Now, like most of the rest of the article, that remark was really quite useless on its own, but it did get me thinking - I've gone on some dates and am doing things for myself and am being happy, so maybe my lingering thoughts are really NOT a sign of me having not moved on, but are my way of remembering what was good for me in another person. Because, let's face it, I'm 25 years old and already quite over the whole dating thing. I have no desire to get married right away, but I want to know that person that is my person! I want to start loving them, because why waste any more time!? But as a Rascal Flatts song says:

Every long lost dream led me to where you are

Others who broke my heart they were like Northern stars

Pointing me on my way into your loving arms

This much I know is true

That God blessed the broken road

That led me straight to you

(Yes He did)

I think about the years I spent just passing through

I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you

But you just smile and take my hand

You've been there you understand

It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true.

So maybe it isn't about "getting over" someone - because I've done that. Maybe it's really about finding true love. And you have to learn from your past in order to do that. And to learn from your past, I think that you have to carry it with you more than you would like. Because if you abandon it along your road, then you won't be able to consult it when necessary. But if you take the important parts along in your backpack - or in a folder on you laptop - then you can access them when you need them. 

Your person will come - but you will only be able to recognize them if you know what you are looking for and what makes you happy. So that's my plan - continue with my previous goal of being happy and healthy in mind, body, and spirit within the year - a New Year's Resolution of sorts (assuming that it counts if I started in November.) So I'm going to continue exercising with yoga, Zumba, and bouldering. And I'm going to go on any date that shows the slightest bit of promise. And I'm going to let myself be just a little bit selfish - because as a friend of mine so aptly stated - I want to know how I like my eggs. Because then, and only then, will I know what is truly good for me in the long run and only then will I be able to reach my goals.

Be Courageous

I saw this quote today and it caught my attention because I agree. When it comes to being hurt - we torture ourselves: we Facebook creep on our ex's and think of the what-ifs and what-might-have-been's, we wish and hope that so-and-so will come to their senses and apologize, the list goes on. And I really don't know why we are masochistic like that, but we are. I suppose it is part if the healing process, but come on! At some point you just have to let it all go and move on! And when you get to that point, it's actually surprising at how tough it is. It's as though we have come to define ourselves by the past, and we hold on to the baggage that hurts us because we are afraid to re-define ourselves in our future. It's as though we are afraid that what is coming can never equal that which we are leaving. And that is obviously not true, because if you are that hurt, then things can only get better. Now of course, as I have said before, out past creates who we are - but it doesn't hold us back from change and who we can be, only specific things that we don't let go are capable of that.

So be courageous!! Be yourself! Because you will never know what is truly wonderful until you have let go of all the hurt - all of the past that holds you back from your potential. So go! Have the courage to let go of what has previously defined you, because only then can we find out what is truly wonderful.

Goals

I never thought very highly of goal-setting. Yes, I know, they are supposed to be a way of focusing your life and staying motivated and there are these bogus "statistics" that say people who set goals are more likely to achieve them...or something. But I'm one of those people who re-evaluates my life constantly, so setting S.M.A.R.T goals was really just a lot of extra work that I didn't (don't) have time for.

However, I took a class this semester where we did goal setting at the beginning and end of the semester and then compared them. We had to write 1-year and 5-year personal goals and professional goals. At the end of the semester, I felt rather justified in my lack of goal-setting practice, because my goals 1) hadn't changed drastically from beginning to end of the semester and 2) the only one that had, I could have totally told you that my thoughts had changed, without comparing the written down goals - I know myself pretty well, thank you very much!

During this process, though, I realized that the professional goals were easy - those are the things that I have been generally working towards my whole life, if not at least the past 8 years. The personal ones though, now those were hard. (Partly because I didn't feel like "get married" was an appropriate long-term personal goal to write down for a leadership class. Not to mention, it's nearly impossible to predict and plan for something like that.) But I was driving home from yoga tonight (yes, yoga, I had to swallow whatever pride I carry around and tell my mom that she "won" and yoga actually made my back feel better - I've been fighting her on this for...'round about 13 years) but I was driving home from yoga and realized that I do have a goal - to feel better about my life. This has been my goal for the last 2 years - as I'm sure if you've read much of this blog, you probably could have guessed. But to get a grip, grow up, and be content and happy.

Now, I am naturally an extremely patient person, but when it comes to myself, I think I can get things done quickly and get very frustrated when I can't. That is also part of this goal. My goal is:

Be completely healthy in mind, body, and spirit, in one year.

That is my true "1-year personal goal" Dr. Robinson, I hope you are happy. So here is my explanation:

- One year because, as much as I hate to admit it, these things take time and I have to accept that. My previous attempts that amounted to "next month," "when school starts," and various versions of "tomorrow" have not worked and were a result of me wanting to force my emotions into submission which is not really very healthy overall. One year will make it so I do not try to rush this process because, after all, you can't rush perfection. :)

- Mind, body, and spirit - because all good things come in threes, and "three is a magic number," but also because these three aspects of a person are so intertwined that they really can't be distinguished, and because if I want to be the best Me that I can be, all three of these need to be in one-piece.

So here is to a journey, and may the journey be as valuable as the destination. 

What I Want

At some point, we re-evaluate our lives - if you are me, this happens on nearly a daily basis. Recently, I've been finding a lot of things that I want that I don't currently have, and I think I've always wanted them. So here is the beginning of the list of things that, at 25, I want:

1. I want to read a book more than just on school breaks.

2. I want to cook.

3. I want to have the time to go to the gym 3 - 5 nights a week - and actually go.

4. I want to go grocery shopping with my roommates.

5. I want to spend Friday afternoons with my mom.

6. I want someone to love me, but I also want them to be willing to work and grow with me. Like an old school pop song, "I want [them] to want me."

7. I want to get a full night's sleep every night.

8. I want to watch TV.

9. I want to go to Happy Hour with my girl friends.

10. I want to clean my apartment. (Well, I want a clean apartment, which means that I want time to clean it...not really that I want to do the cleaning.)

11. I want time to talk to my best friends and keep in touch.

12. I want to hang out with my sister.

13. I want to be able to work and come home, and have work stay at work.

14. I want to make another quilt.

15. I want to work on my scrapbooks.

16. I want to be able to disconnect from the world for an entire week and not have some disaster to fix.

17. I want to walk my [parent's] dogs.

18. I want to go for a run.

19. I want to break in my climbing shoes.

20. I want to be able to sit for 5 minutes, and truly feel like I can and not have to worry about everything else I have to do.

What do you want?

Let Go

A few years ago I was on Greek Council with a few wonderful people. (The bulk if that is a different story.) When our terms were up, an advisor of ours made us a mixed CD with songs that ended up matching each of us perfectly. (Strange CD overall, the songs only go together when listened to altogether, funny, huh?) Anyways, these songs were supposed to represent not only who we were, but also what we should learn. My song was "Let Go" by Frou Frou. I knew it was mine right away because I always tried very hard to let things roll off my back, but I had this feeling that Sam thought it was something I still needed to learn. I have never asked her which she thought, and she probably wouldn't remember now, but I think the real reason it was my song was a little bit of both, because yes, I try very hard to let things roll - but I very often don't succeed.

That has happened to me a lot lately - not succeeding in that arena. One of my roommates has decided that she likes hearing me rant because it reminds her that I'm human. (High compliment in my opinion!) But I rant so that I don't lash out at others in non-productive ways. And when I don't rant, I bottle things up until something sets me off and then 2 or 3 days of my life are ruined with stress and tears. 

Some things are easy to let roll off - the company didn't deliver your material on time, the paper towel dispenser in the bathroom jammed, your boss set you a task you don't enjoy - you either ignore them or turn them into a lesson. But other things are harder - when you have to act like a President because someone acts like they're 12, you have to make a decision that you don't necessarily know is right, or someone abandons you when you thought better of them - those things take time...and good friends...and a hug...and a glass of wine...and maybe a relatively threatening rant that everyone knows won't come to fruition.

My last 2 days were like that. And I cried my eyes out multiple times. And I woke up this morning feeling a whole heck of a lot better because of the friends that I had, who were there for me when I needed them - no matter how much I'm sure they wish I'd figure it out and find some other life issue to cry about. 

So I guess this is a reminder to me and to all to "let go" and "live and let live" but also a tremendous thank you to the wonderful friends that I have - you truly have saved me more times than you realize.

Loyalty

When I die, I hope that people say that I'm loyal. I hope they say other things too, but a friend of mine called me "loyal" last week, and I was so flattered. I think it was one of the best compliments that I've ever received, and I don't think she knows what it meant to me. But just as we all know, every strength can be a fault if not used appropriately.

I have a random post (with not much on it, I'll admit), but it says "Never push a loyal person to the point where they no longer give a damn." Now, to be honest, I didn't write much on that post because I was mad, I didn't have a whole lot to say, and I knew that nothing that I could say would have been very productive. But the quote made a good point. Loyalty is something that we desire in friends, significant others, and hopefully everyone in our lives. And when you lose that person, it isn't going to be a very positive experience for you.

Surprisingly enough, loyalty is what I'm still looking for. I'm looking for someone who fits me perfectly and who is going to be loyal. They are going to be honest, truthful, and forthcoming and they will help me to be the same. So when you say something, mean it, and don't back down later without being honest about it. Because if you aren't honest, those loyal people in your life will leave. They will leave and never look back - because they value honestly and loyalty too.

Advice from Others

Since this has mostly been an advice blog I felt like I should share the advice of others as well. These two blogs (here and here) are about marriage, but I thought they were relevant in any relationship as well. Marriage is a topic that I cannot speak to, but relationships, we all have those in many forms.