History

"You have to put your past behind you." "Put your behind in your past." "Learn from the past." These are lessons we have grown up hearing. But you know, it's one that is easier said than done. I am a history person - someone who believes that you have to learn from your past in order to move forward. But I'm also someone who believes that you can know nearly everything there is to know about a person if you know where they came from and how they got to now. Your past defines you. As much as we try to put it behind us because of the painful parts there, it is a part of us and it changes the way we look at everything in our future. Never trust someone who doesn't understand that your past is who you are - because your past entirely defines you. It defines you in such a way that logic won't get you out of it. Now, I would like to apologize to anyone who has had to deal with me - with my past. But at the same time, it's who I am. Part of growing up is learning that and then constantly dealing with the past as it flares in our faces yet again - as old fears crop up, consequences of old decisions reveal themselves, and happiness surfaces. 

Be honest. Be honest with those people who have to deal with this. Be honest about your fears - don't let them define your present. It's hard to open up and trust new people, but sometimes that is the best thing you can do. History will only repeat itself if you let it - if you aren't honest and your try to run from it.

Past, Present, and Future

I am sitting here, in my parent's kitchen, after moving half my stuff, listening to my dad blast country music out the basement door and watching my dogs look for shade. This is my perfection.

I just spent 6 years living in the town pictured above. Pullman is a wonderful place - I learned and grew so much from my experiences there. I had my ups and downs (going ape-shit on your sorority sisters as a freshman is not the best life choice, but it can cause you to learn valuable lessons). I've been through minor depression and exultation. I've fallen in love and had my heart broken. I've found the best friends that anyone could ask for, and some of the worst. I am a different, more grown up, and a better person because of Pullman and WSU. And after 6 years (4 undergrad, 2 grad), it is time to leave. When I graduated, I cried when I left for the summer, even though I knew that I would be back in a few short months. When I left the other day? I had my moments during my final week in town where I was sad, but when I physically left I had about 5 minutes where I wasn't entirely sure how I felt. And then I realized how wonderful it is going to be to visit my sister and boyfriend next year and say "Hi, I'm Sean, I'm an alumni" and have no one wonder what I'm doing in town. I am ready to move on to the next chapter. I still have more school, but a new place will be well worth the wait. I owe a lot to Pullman and the people that I have met there - you have served me well.

So as I'm sitting in my version of perfection, reminiscing on the past 6 years of my life, I want to give credit where it is due - to my refuge. My home has been my refuge in good times and in bad - and always will me. My parents are wonderful people who have given me a lot to get me to where I am today and as much as I owe to the people of Pullman, I owe much more to my family. So this summer, I'm looking forward to adventure and happiness (with a sprinkling of boyfriend-missing), and I can owe this happiness to my parents and my version of perfection.

A Really Bad Joke

18 years ago today, I was diagnosed with cancer. That means that I was in Kindergarten and the last thing that I should have had to deal with was dying. I should have been running around outside, getting dirty, causing trouble, and in general, just being a carefree 6-year-old. Instead, I spent my summer inside a hospital, being poked and prodded, feeling generally miserable, and dealing with emotions and fear that no person, but especially not a 6-year-old, should ever have to deal with. I have to say, it was one REALLY bad April Fools' joke. :P

Now, I was what they call "textbook" - I didn't have any weird reactions or complications and went into remission very quickly and in general, was a very healthy kid. But others of my friends were not so lucky. I have friends who had strange side effects, were held back in school, relapsed, and even passed away - some of whom had the exact same disease that I had! Imagine trying to process that at 6-years-old! You are the same age and have the same disease as your friend but you make it, and they don't. Extremely traumatic is probably the simplest way to describe that.

But I guess that is partly the point of this post - I had to grow up at a very young age because I had to be able to deal with something far beyond my abilities. Things like this change you - and they change you for good. You deal with them, process them, and move on, but in the end, that experience stays with you and has fundamentally changed who you are. It also fundamentally changes those people around you who had to deal with it with you. It draws you closer, or pushes you apart. I'm overall a very lucky kid - my relationships were strengthened all the way around. Not only that, but I've developed my own set of interests and passions that come from that experience. But I've also got my own issues that come from there too such as how I deal with conflict - I deal with them as I recognize them and move on, but that doesn't change the fact that for good or bad, near-death experiences fundamentally alter you.

I've played my share of April Fools' jokes, but for me this day means something entirely different. I thank God for my life, the people in it, and those who no longer are. I take some time to remember those that I have lost and ask myself if they would be proud of what I have done with my life, since they never had the chance. Because there is a reason that I am here and they are not. I have absolutely no idea what that reason is, and I will probably never know, but there is a reason, and it wasn't just chance. Because of that, I want to make sure that I am living the legacy that my fellow cancer kids would have wanted me to leave behind; because I should have died 18 years ago, so in reality, I have nothing to lose, and everything to gain - but that doesn't mean that I'm alone.

Be thankful for what you have - each and every day. Be thankful for the little things, because you never know when or how it can be taken from you. Live for those people that have brought you to where you are today, but most of all - live for yourself.