All You Gotta Do Is Hang On...

I am a runner. I am one of the "few" people in this world that can honestly say that I like to run. I have quote books filled with quotes about running, 90% of which I have used in normal conversation and 99% of which I wholeheartedly agree. And I truly think that "running is the greatest metaphor for life, because you get out of it what you put into it." But lately? Lately, I've been rock climbing - indoor bouldering, to be exact.

My friend took me to a wall a few years back and I decided I really liked it. At the time, it was challenging yet relaxing, social, fun, and you could get a really good work-out in less than an hour. I never went very often but always wished I could go more. So when my parents bought me a membership to a climbing gym and a pair of climbing shoes for my birthday this year - I was very excited.

And today, while climbing, I discovered something. No, I can not yet effectively climb upside down like you always see in National Geographic style pictures and I'm really nowhere near to being that good. I discovered that I'm stronger than I was last week. Because I got up a little higher and around a curve that I couldn't quite master then. Now, this curve: the first time I climbed around it, a coach had a hand on my back to remind me that he was there and he wouldn't let me fall. Last week, I climbed by myself and couldn't quite figure it out - plus I was nervous, and that nervousness caused me to not trust myself or the wall. This week? I got myself up and around this curve no problem! Now, I got up to the top and couldn't quite figure out where to go next because I was actually rather surprised that I was there, but that is beside the point. What I realized through this discovery was that I'm stronger.

Now, I've decided that, while running is a great metaphor for life (and comes with far more inspirational quotes than rock climbing does), bouldering is a pretty good place to unearth life lessons as well because, unlike many other sports, if you fall, you could be seriously injured (or die if you're crazy enough to be that good). I climbed that corner today because I was stronger - but I wasn't just physically stronger either, although I'm sure that was part of it. Sometimes strength means conquering your fears - you could fall off that wall flat onto your back...but then again, maybe not - and you will never overcome your fears if you don't challenge them and put them to the test. Sometimes strength means believing in yourself, believing that you can do something that that sinister voice in your brain says you can't. Today, I believed I could do it, I wasn't scared to try, and the I physical strength to follow-through, along with a trust and a faith in my own abilities.

I was stronger, so what? I climbed the corner, so what? Climbing a 10-foot wall in a gym isn't life! There are mats on the ground to protect you if you fall for Pete's Sake! But maybe that's what life is. Being physically, mentally, and emotionally strong enough to challenge yourself and win. And trusting that, even though "the higher you climb, the farther you fall," there will always be someone there to catch you because that's what friends (and family) are for.

Goals

I never thought very highly of goal-setting. Yes, I know, they are supposed to be a way of focusing your life and staying motivated and there are these bogus "statistics" that say people who set goals are more likely to achieve them...or something. But I'm one of those people who re-evaluates my life constantly, so setting S.M.A.R.T goals was really just a lot of extra work that I didn't (don't) have time for.

However, I took a class this semester where we did goal setting at the beginning and end of the semester and then compared them. We had to write 1-year and 5-year personal goals and professional goals. At the end of the semester, I felt rather justified in my lack of goal-setting practice, because my goals 1) hadn't changed drastically from beginning to end of the semester and 2) the only one that had, I could have totally told you that my thoughts had changed, without comparing the written down goals - I know myself pretty well, thank you very much!

During this process, though, I realized that the professional goals were easy - those are the things that I have been generally working towards my whole life, if not at least the past 8 years. The personal ones though, now those were hard. (Partly because I didn't feel like "get married" was an appropriate long-term personal goal to write down for a leadership class. Not to mention, it's nearly impossible to predict and plan for something like that.) But I was driving home from yoga tonight (yes, yoga, I had to swallow whatever pride I carry around and tell my mom that she "won" and yoga actually made my back feel better - I've been fighting her on this for...'round about 13 years) but I was driving home from yoga and realized that I do have a goal - to feel better about my life. This has been my goal for the last 2 years - as I'm sure if you've read much of this blog, you probably could have guessed. But to get a grip, grow up, and be content and happy.

Now, I am naturally an extremely patient person, but when it comes to myself, I think I can get things done quickly and get very frustrated when I can't. That is also part of this goal. My goal is:

Be completely healthy in mind, body, and spirit, in one year.

That is my true "1-year personal goal" Dr. Robinson, I hope you are happy. So here is my explanation:

- One year because, as much as I hate to admit it, these things take time and I have to accept that. My previous attempts that amounted to "next month," "when school starts," and various versions of "tomorrow" have not worked and were a result of me wanting to force my emotions into submission which is not really very healthy overall. One year will make it so I do not try to rush this process because, after all, you can't rush perfection. :)

- Mind, body, and spirit - because all good things come in threes, and "three is a magic number," but also because these three aspects of a person are so intertwined that they really can't be distinguished, and because if I want to be the best Me that I can be, all three of these need to be in one-piece.

So here is to a journey, and may the journey be as valuable as the destination. 

Drunk Last Night - Eli Young Band

We all know the feeling - you're going through life just totally fine and one day you find yourself crying yourself to sleep (or nearly) because of THEM. I was thinking today about why this is. And I can't say I know - maybe it's a picture you saw on Facebook, maybe you're finally truly letting them go and you're being forced to miss them all over again, or maybe you saw that cute couple at church and realized that you nearly had that - the guy that actually went to church with you and didn't complain about it, maybe even suggested it! Whatever the reason, hopefully you won't be hurting long. Life has it's ups and downs and sometimes those tears are therapeutic. As much as we hate to cry, they mean that you've reached the end of your rope and you will be stronger when this is over.


"Drunk Last Night"

I got a little drunk last night
There's something 'bout a midnight rain
Staring at the ceiling fan
I couldn't get you off my brain

I guess I wasn't thinking straight
I couldn't tell wrong from right
I went ahead and called you up
I got a little drunk last night

I brought it all up, got it all out
What is it worth, to both of us now
It's off my chest, but never off my mind
Two drinks in, keep that hurt,
You feel bad, and I feel worse
I swear it's the last the last time every time
Don't know why

Might've been a song on the radio
Might've been nothing, baby I don't know
Might've been a little too tired to fight
Might've been I got a little drunk last night

I got a little too far gone
I was talking way too loud
I don't remember what I said
I just remember breaking down

I brought it all up, got it all out
What is it worth, to both of us now
It's off my chest, but never off my mind
Two drinks in, keep that hurt,
You feel bad, and I feel worse
I swear it's the last the last time every time
Don't know why

Might've been a song on the radio
Might've been nothing, baby I don't know
Might've been a girl who looked like you
Might've been a fluke, might've been a full moon
Might've been a little too tired to fight
Might've been I got a little drunk last night

Might've been a song on the radio
Might've been nothing, baby I don't know
Might've been a girl who looked like you
Might've been a fluke, might've been a full moon
Might've been a little too tired to fight
Might've been I got a little drunk

I brought it all up, got it all out
What is it worth, to both of us now
It's off my chest, but never off my mind
Two drinks in, keep that hurt,
You feel bad, and I feel worse
I swear it's the last the last time every time

I got a little drunk last night
I got a little drunk last night
Thought I could keep it all inside
But I got a little drunk last night


But for now, feel the emotion - whether good or bad, because whatever the reason it's there...there is a reason. And only by going through it, will you be able to get to the end and the happiness on the other side.

Just Not Today

I'm sitting here, with lots on my mind, but nothing solid to write. I want to write and speak my thoughts, but they just keep going around in circles over the same stuff that has been there for the past 2 weeks. So if this post is rambling and doesn't quite hit the mark on any one topic, I don't blame you for being confused.

The heart is a very strange thing. It loves easy, and is hurt easy. A few short months ago...screw that, a few short week ago, I had no idea that I would be sitting here with my heart crushed yet again. It's amazing how fast things change. When this boyfriend broke up with me, my mom tells me, "if he wasn't the right one, can you imagine what the right one is like?" This one, well, I had so many people ask if I was going to marry him that it was actually a little scary because that was so far beyond anything that I had really truly thought of. But maybe, deep down, I thought I might. I don't know. I still don't know what was deep down, and I guess on some level, it doesn't really matter anymore, considering the circumstances. All I do know is that this is the "easiest" break-up I've ever been through...while I think it might be his hardest. And the part of me that wishes I could be a b***h is perfectly ok with that. Sometimes poetic justice really is the best thing for you. Like when he jammed his finger in the door and had a terrible day the next day and didn't feel any better? I was secretly happy inside.

I'm not mad, I've more had my feelings really hurt. Which is really strange because I can honestly say that I liked him the best. Shortest relationship I've ever been in and it might have been the best one yet. Why am I not mad? By all rights, I could be and no one would blame me, but I get it. If it's possible to do a break-up well, this was it. Because it really truly, 100% had nothing to do with me. Other break-ups feel like rejections and the "it's not you, it's me" is never really true...or at least we don't feel like it is. This one, I can honestly say, has nothing to do with me, and that makes it better I guess. But it doesn't take away from the fact that I'm hurt.

I'm not crying myself to sleep every night, or being self-destructive, or making bad decisions, but my friends wedding pictures and even my parents (who have been married for over 28 years) being adorable will send me into fits of sobs. Because maybe, just maybe, I had almost had that. Because I really feel like I lost one of my best friends that day. And that's something different than I've felt before. But sometimes things are not for us to understand. God has a bigger plan and we will figure it all out eventually....just not today.