The Hardest Part About Growing Up...

So I've been thinking (and as we know, that is always a very interesting, and usually emotional spiral and I really should just kick the habit), but I have. I have been trying to figure out why - after something like 5 months, I am not 100% "over" a relationship that lasted 4. Now those 4 months were...absolutely wonderful and the person was great. But why on earth is this taking so long?! It's really quite frustrating, to say the least.

We already know that I am a person who gets attached - and not only that, I hold on tight. I have had a tendency in my life to hold on to things with unimaginable strength, and then to simply let them go and move on as though I had been preparing for that day for awhile. The best, and first, example of this was between Junior High and High School. My mom actually told me that she was worried about me - worried that I wouldn't be ready for high school when it came because I was so happy in the 8th grade. (Apparently this contentedness is something that most 8th graders don't share.) But the astonishing thing to my mother, was that when 8th grade ended and 9th grade started, I jumped in with both feet and never looked back. And this has been the case with most transitions in my life.

But why, why can't I just move on like I "should." Well, I was trying to figure this out and googled the psychology of this phenomenon and the article I read (while mostly entirely unhelpful) had one good remark - we hold on to exs because it lets us access the part of ourselves that can love.

Now, like most of the rest of the article, that remark was really quite useless on its own, but it did get me thinking - I've gone on some dates and am doing things for myself and am being happy, so maybe my lingering thoughts are really NOT a sign of me having not moved on, but are my way of remembering what was good for me in another person. Because, let's face it, I'm 25 years old and already quite over the whole dating thing. I have no desire to get married right away, but I want to know that person that is my person! I want to start loving them, because why waste any more time!? But as a Rascal Flatts song says:

Every long lost dream led me to where you are

Others who broke my heart they were like Northern stars

Pointing me on my way into your loving arms

This much I know is true

That God blessed the broken road

That led me straight to you

(Yes He did)

I think about the years I spent just passing through

I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you

But you just smile and take my hand

You've been there you understand

It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true.

So maybe it isn't about "getting over" someone - because I've done that. Maybe it's really about finding true love. And you have to learn from your past in order to do that. And to learn from your past, I think that you have to carry it with you more than you would like. Because if you abandon it along your road, then you won't be able to consult it when necessary. But if you take the important parts along in your backpack - or in a folder on you laptop - then you can access them when you need them. 

Your person will come - but you will only be able to recognize them if you know what you are looking for and what makes you happy. So that's my plan - continue with my previous goal of being happy and healthy in mind, body, and spirit within the year - a New Year's Resolution of sorts (assuming that it counts if I started in November.) So I'm going to continue exercising with yoga, Zumba, and bouldering. And I'm going to go on any date that shows the slightest bit of promise. And I'm going to let myself be just a little bit selfish - because as a friend of mine so aptly stated - I want to know how I like my eggs. Because then, and only then, will I know what is truly good for me in the long run and only then will I be able to reach my goals.

Loyalty

When I die, I hope that people say that I'm loyal. I hope they say other things too, but a friend of mine called me "loyal" last week, and I was so flattered. I think it was one of the best compliments that I've ever received, and I don't think she knows what it meant to me. But just as we all know, every strength can be a fault if not used appropriately.

I have a random post (with not much on it, I'll admit), but it says "Never push a loyal person to the point where they no longer give a damn." Now, to be honest, I didn't write much on that post because I was mad, I didn't have a whole lot to say, and I knew that nothing that I could say would have been very productive. But the quote made a good point. Loyalty is something that we desire in friends, significant others, and hopefully everyone in our lives. And when you lose that person, it isn't going to be a very positive experience for you.

Surprisingly enough, loyalty is what I'm still looking for. I'm looking for someone who fits me perfectly and who is going to be loyal. They are going to be honest, truthful, and forthcoming and they will help me to be the same. So when you say something, mean it, and don't back down later without being honest about it. Because if you aren't honest, those loyal people in your life will leave. They will leave and never look back - because they value honestly and loyalty too.

Advice from Others

Since this has mostly been an advice blog I felt like I should share the advice of others as well. These two blogs (here and here) are about marriage, but I thought they were relevant in any relationship as well. Marriage is a topic that I cannot speak to, but relationships, we all have those in many forms.