Here I Am

WOW! I knew that it had been a long time since I had posted anything but I definitely did not realize that it had been over a YEAR! Considering that when I originally created this blog, I was dealing with quite a bit and was using it as a way to process all of the emotions and trials in my life, no big issues in the last year that needed that much thought means that the last year has been pretty damn good if I do say so myself! I already knew how to give everything to God, but I learned how to truly let go. Not that things don't still get to me, they do, but no longer in the way where they hang on forever.

In the last year, I have become a more confident person, a more relaxed person, a more peaceful person, a happier person. And on top of all of that, I officially earned my doctorate!

How's that for a badass year?

xoxo

All You Gotta Do Is Hang On...

I am a runner. I am one of the "few" people in this world that can honestly say that I like to run. I have quote books filled with quotes about running, 90% of which I have used in normal conversation and 99% of which I wholeheartedly agree. And I truly think that "running is the greatest metaphor for life, because you get out of it what you put into it." But lately? Lately, I've been rock climbing - indoor bouldering, to be exact.

My friend took me to a wall a few years back and I decided I really liked it. At the time, it was challenging yet relaxing, social, fun, and you could get a really good work-out in less than an hour. I never went very often but always wished I could go more. So when my parents bought me a membership to a climbing gym and a pair of climbing shoes for my birthday this year - I was very excited.

And today, while climbing, I discovered something. No, I can not yet effectively climb upside down like you always see in National Geographic style pictures and I'm really nowhere near to being that good. I discovered that I'm stronger than I was last week. Because I got up a little higher and around a curve that I couldn't quite master then. Now, this curve: the first time I climbed around it, a coach had a hand on my back to remind me that he was there and he wouldn't let me fall. Last week, I climbed by myself and couldn't quite figure it out - plus I was nervous, and that nervousness caused me to not trust myself or the wall. This week? I got myself up and around this curve no problem! Now, I got up to the top and couldn't quite figure out where to go next because I was actually rather surprised that I was there, but that is beside the point. What I realized through this discovery was that I'm stronger.

Now, I've decided that, while running is a great metaphor for life (and comes with far more inspirational quotes than rock climbing does), bouldering is a pretty good place to unearth life lessons as well because, unlike many other sports, if you fall, you could be seriously injured (or die if you're crazy enough to be that good). I climbed that corner today because I was stronger - but I wasn't just physically stronger either, although I'm sure that was part of it. Sometimes strength means conquering your fears - you could fall off that wall flat onto your back...but then again, maybe not - and you will never overcome your fears if you don't challenge them and put them to the test. Sometimes strength means believing in yourself, believing that you can do something that that sinister voice in your brain says you can't. Today, I believed I could do it, I wasn't scared to try, and the I physical strength to follow-through, along with a trust and a faith in my own abilities.

I was stronger, so what? I climbed the corner, so what? Climbing a 10-foot wall in a gym isn't life! There are mats on the ground to protect you if you fall for Pete's Sake! But maybe that's what life is. Being physically, mentally, and emotionally strong enough to challenge yourself and win. And trusting that, even though "the higher you climb, the farther you fall," there will always be someone there to catch you because that's what friends (and family) are for.

Goals

I never thought very highly of goal-setting. Yes, I know, they are supposed to be a way of focusing your life and staying motivated and there are these bogus "statistics" that say people who set goals are more likely to achieve them...or something. But I'm one of those people who re-evaluates my life constantly, so setting S.M.A.R.T goals was really just a lot of extra work that I didn't (don't) have time for.

However, I took a class this semester where we did goal setting at the beginning and end of the semester and then compared them. We had to write 1-year and 5-year personal goals and professional goals. At the end of the semester, I felt rather justified in my lack of goal-setting practice, because my goals 1) hadn't changed drastically from beginning to end of the semester and 2) the only one that had, I could have totally told you that my thoughts had changed, without comparing the written down goals - I know myself pretty well, thank you very much!

During this process, though, I realized that the professional goals were easy - those are the things that I have been generally working towards my whole life, if not at least the past 8 years. The personal ones though, now those were hard. (Partly because I didn't feel like "get married" was an appropriate long-term personal goal to write down for a leadership class. Not to mention, it's nearly impossible to predict and plan for something like that.) But I was driving home from yoga tonight (yes, yoga, I had to swallow whatever pride I carry around and tell my mom that she "won" and yoga actually made my back feel better - I've been fighting her on this for...'round about 13 years) but I was driving home from yoga and realized that I do have a goal - to feel better about my life. This has been my goal for the last 2 years - as I'm sure if you've read much of this blog, you probably could have guessed. But to get a grip, grow up, and be content and happy.

Now, I am naturally an extremely patient person, but when it comes to myself, I think I can get things done quickly and get very frustrated when I can't. That is also part of this goal. My goal is:

Be completely healthy in mind, body, and spirit, in one year.

That is my true "1-year personal goal" Dr. Robinson, I hope you are happy. So here is my explanation:

- One year because, as much as I hate to admit it, these things take time and I have to accept that. My previous attempts that amounted to "next month," "when school starts," and various versions of "tomorrow" have not worked and were a result of me wanting to force my emotions into submission which is not really very healthy overall. One year will make it so I do not try to rush this process because, after all, you can't rush perfection. :)

- Mind, body, and spirit - because all good things come in threes, and "three is a magic number," but also because these three aspects of a person are so intertwined that they really can't be distinguished, and because if I want to be the best Me that I can be, all three of these need to be in one-piece.

So here is to a journey, and may the journey be as valuable as the destination. 

Brains

I just spent the last weekend with two of my best friends. We were competing in a national pharmacy compounding competition and got 3rd place in the compounding section! The teams that won overall, almost all had been at the competition for multiple years in a row, so beating these teams in the heaviest weighted section was so exciting! Our compounding professor looked as though she had never been more proud of her students.

The funny thing about this, is that all of us, at least once during this section, had thought we were going to cry (even though I was pretty positive that my teammates knew more about what they were doing than I did.) We had gone into this competition feeling prepared and were given a problem that was nothing along the lines of anything we had ever practiced....and succeeded beyond our belief in ourselves. We got to the point where we figured we would just throw shit together and cross our fingers - apparently we know more than we thought we did!

This just goes to show that you are almost always smarter than you think and the more you work hard and believe in yourself, the more you will succeed in life and in each adventure that you undertake. We signed up for the local competition to spend some time in the compounding lab, we had no idea that there was anything to win - and we ended up traveling to Florida to compete nationally for our school against 14 other schools, even beating out many of them! We were smarter and more capable than we thought and are determined to prove it next time!

Believe in yourself and your abilities and you can go places that you never dreamed possible.

Dangerous

I read books like some people watch TV. I always have. I don't know exactly what that says about me and I'm sure there are lots of psychologists out there who would love to tell me! But when I stumbled across this quote (thank you Pinterest!), it made me stop and think - because in this case, it equates reading with gaining knowledge and thinking for yourself.

If you read my last post, you will see the beginning of a train of thought that has become determination and motivation. I am a woman. I read a lot. And if you make me mad, threaten me or mine, or tell me that I can't - I am dangerous.

Sometimes these people (women and men alike), just need a kick-in-the-pants to get them going. Sometimes they need motivation. But whatever the trigger, there are plenty of people out there, like me, who, underneath, are not to be trifled with. For me, I think my friends can see that. Some of them, especially my sorority sisters, knew what I was capable of before I did. (My sorority sisters made me Vice President of Administration - in charge of officers, officer training, calendar planning, and accreditation - as a first semester sophomore.) I ran unopposed for Regent of my fraternity because the other people that I knew were thinking about running, figured that they would vote for me so they should run for something else.

I've found my motivation. It lies somewhere at the top of a very long year with lots of bumps along the way. It lies somewhere after rock bottom in your personal life. It lies somewhere after those you oversee start wandering away from the goal. It lies at the place between who you have been and who you will become. It lies at the place I am now - the place where healing happens, tests get aced, where you know that you have handled this before and you can do it again. It comes when you not only think you are dangerous, but when you truly believe that you are.

Believe

I have been through a lot in my life, including recently . This is not big news - everyone has. What I have found is that to get through everything, you need to believe. Believe in God, believe in yourself, and sometimes have someone believe in you. I have a couple of really good friends who have stood by me in the past year. They believe in me. And that knowledge helped me to believe in myself when my world seemed to be crashing down around me. Sometimes the idea of "fake it till you feel it" helps you to believe that everything is going to be ok in the end.