Here I Am

WOW! I knew that it had been a long time since I had posted anything but I definitely did not realize that it had been over a YEAR! Considering that when I originally created this blog, I was dealing with quite a bit and was using it as a way to process all of the emotions and trials in my life, no big issues in the last year that needed that much thought means that the last year has been pretty damn good if I do say so myself! I already knew how to give everything to God, but I learned how to truly let go. Not that things don't still get to me, they do, but no longer in the way where they hang on forever.

In the last year, I have become a more confident person, a more relaxed person, a more peaceful person, a happier person. And on top of all of that, I officially earned my doctorate!

How's that for a badass year?

xoxo

Success

 Success. This tiny little word can mean such different things to different people at different points in their lives. I thought this drawing was rather a good description of success because the only thing that you can know is that you really have no idea what your success will look like. You can goal-set and make checklists until the cows come home, but in the end, you will never be able to predict the ride that you end up on.

When you're young, success if very simple. Maybe you get an A on your spelling test, maybe you get 90% of your times tables correct in the allotted amount of time, maybe you join the softball team and actually learn to hit the ball. But as we get older, our definition of success can change. Maybe you graduate from college, maybe you get your doctorate before the valedictorians from high school, maybe you have a family. But maybe those are also the things that people expect you to pick.

Maybe success really is so twisted around that you very often find yourself further behind than when you started, maybe you sit in the same place for months on end and have no idea how to move forward or where to go next. Maybe success is really about getting out of bed every day and trying your best. And maybe the "highlight reel" successes are made up of tiny, barely noticeable ones that make up your every day life.

I don't know what your pathway to success will look like, where it will take you, or where you will end up. Heck! I don't even know where mine is going! But the thing that I'm reminded about each day is that you can only be successful if you get up, show up, and work your a$$ off every single day.

But the other thing that I'm learning about success is, that you can be the most "successful" person on the planet, and if you aren't happy with yourself, no amount of highlight reel success will make you happy. Now, I know that's really cheesy, and a quite overused piece of advice and even one that I don't always take - but I think that it is the absolute truth.

Today, a friend asked the question, "what is your definition of beauty?" and my answer was someone who is happy and healthy in mind, body, and spirit. And I've decided that that is also my current definition of success. What's yours?

Ski Bum

Disclaimer: this blog post is going to be a bit like the last one.

So for those of you who don't know this story, I will give you a summary of it:
I grew up skiing, not every weekend like some kids but enough that my Baba bought my sister and I our own gear. Now we went skiing with him a few times a year until his knees stopped letting him go - which conveniently coincided with our gear no longer really fitting properly. After that, I hadn't gone skiing again until 2 years ago - and I was completely and utterly terrified. I wasn't scared because I didn't know how to ski (muscle-memory is really an amazing phenomenon!), instead I was scared because I had somehow developed an irrational fear of falling off the face of the mountain.

Yes, I understand that this fear was irrational and to those of you who don't know much about fears - do NOT EVER try to logic someone out of an irrational fear. It doesn't help, and will probably make it worse.

Needless to say, even though my ski buddy was so kind to me, I still felt that day that I was holding him back and that he really would rather be skiing somewhere else. And I couldn't help how scared I was and I couldn't get over it. (Looking back on it, I think I tried to force myself to get over it, and that also made it worse.)

So the other day, I decided that, buddy or not, I was going skiing and I was going to conquer my fear. I ended up having a friend to go with who had only skied twice and he was probably the best ski buddy I could have asked for because we were about at the same level and I could go at a slower pace and not feel as though I was holding anyone back. And you know what? I was a little nervous, but I was never scared. I now feel as though I could totally go back, and enjoy myself again, I just have to remember to stay within my limits and comfort level - and maybe be more careful of whom I pick to accompany me.

At some point, I told M that "there are some days where I am really glad that I'm not the same person I was two years ago, and today is one of those days." Now, I don't know if M really needed to hear that, but it was good for me to say out loud. Because I realized that this ski trip was only partly about proving to myself that I can ski and that I'm not afraid. It was also about proving to myself that I'm a whole person who is strong and independent and can make decisions on her own and doesn't need to be helped through life.

My entire life I was told that I was confident and very grown up for someone my age. And in the last 2 years I have felt like I was anything but that. Don't ever take who you are for granted, constantly develop yourself and give yourself opportunities to grow, because you won't ever grow if you don't take chances. You might be hurt worse than you ever could have imagined, but you also might find that you are stronger and more confident and more sure of yourself than you ever imagined you could be. Only in change does one truly live. Biologically speaking, if your body stopped changing (stopped metabolizing food, stopped growing, stopped healing, etc), you would be dead. The same is true for your soul - you have to give it the opportunity to learn and grow or you will only be moving backwards and unhappiness and discontentment will follow. So, even when times get tough, remember that "even if you fall flat on your face, at least you are moving forward" (Viktor Kiam).

All You Gotta Do Is Hang On...

I am a runner. I am one of the "few" people in this world that can honestly say that I like to run. I have quote books filled with quotes about running, 90% of which I have used in normal conversation and 99% of which I wholeheartedly agree. And I truly think that "running is the greatest metaphor for life, because you get out of it what you put into it." But lately? Lately, I've been rock climbing - indoor bouldering, to be exact.

My friend took me to a wall a few years back and I decided I really liked it. At the time, it was challenging yet relaxing, social, fun, and you could get a really good work-out in less than an hour. I never went very often but always wished I could go more. So when my parents bought me a membership to a climbing gym and a pair of climbing shoes for my birthday this year - I was very excited.

And today, while climbing, I discovered something. No, I can not yet effectively climb upside down like you always see in National Geographic style pictures and I'm really nowhere near to being that good. I discovered that I'm stronger than I was last week. Because I got up a little higher and around a curve that I couldn't quite master then. Now, this curve: the first time I climbed around it, a coach had a hand on my back to remind me that he was there and he wouldn't let me fall. Last week, I climbed by myself and couldn't quite figure it out - plus I was nervous, and that nervousness caused me to not trust myself or the wall. This week? I got myself up and around this curve no problem! Now, I got up to the top and couldn't quite figure out where to go next because I was actually rather surprised that I was there, but that is beside the point. What I realized through this discovery was that I'm stronger.

Now, I've decided that, while running is a great metaphor for life (and comes with far more inspirational quotes than rock climbing does), bouldering is a pretty good place to unearth life lessons as well because, unlike many other sports, if you fall, you could be seriously injured (or die if you're crazy enough to be that good). I climbed that corner today because I was stronger - but I wasn't just physically stronger either, although I'm sure that was part of it. Sometimes strength means conquering your fears - you could fall off that wall flat onto your back...but then again, maybe not - and you will never overcome your fears if you don't challenge them and put them to the test. Sometimes strength means believing in yourself, believing that you can do something that that sinister voice in your brain says you can't. Today, I believed I could do it, I wasn't scared to try, and the I physical strength to follow-through, along with a trust and a faith in my own abilities.

I was stronger, so what? I climbed the corner, so what? Climbing a 10-foot wall in a gym isn't life! There are mats on the ground to protect you if you fall for Pete's Sake! But maybe that's what life is. Being physically, mentally, and emotionally strong enough to challenge yourself and win. And trusting that, even though "the higher you climb, the farther you fall," there will always be someone there to catch you because that's what friends (and family) are for.

The Hardest Part About Growing Up...

So I've been thinking (and as we know, that is always a very interesting, and usually emotional spiral and I really should just kick the habit), but I have. I have been trying to figure out why - after something like 5 months, I am not 100% "over" a relationship that lasted 4. Now those 4 months were...absolutely wonderful and the person was great. But why on earth is this taking so long?! It's really quite frustrating, to say the least.

We already know that I am a person who gets attached - and not only that, I hold on tight. I have had a tendency in my life to hold on to things with unimaginable strength, and then to simply let them go and move on as though I had been preparing for that day for awhile. The best, and first, example of this was between Junior High and High School. My mom actually told me that she was worried about me - worried that I wouldn't be ready for high school when it came because I was so happy in the 8th grade. (Apparently this contentedness is something that most 8th graders don't share.) But the astonishing thing to my mother, was that when 8th grade ended and 9th grade started, I jumped in with both feet and never looked back. And this has been the case with most transitions in my life.

But why, why can't I just move on like I "should." Well, I was trying to figure this out and googled the psychology of this phenomenon and the article I read (while mostly entirely unhelpful) had one good remark - we hold on to exs because it lets us access the part of ourselves that can love.

Now, like most of the rest of the article, that remark was really quite useless on its own, but it did get me thinking - I've gone on some dates and am doing things for myself and am being happy, so maybe my lingering thoughts are really NOT a sign of me having not moved on, but are my way of remembering what was good for me in another person. Because, let's face it, I'm 25 years old and already quite over the whole dating thing. I have no desire to get married right away, but I want to know that person that is my person! I want to start loving them, because why waste any more time!? But as a Rascal Flatts song says:

Every long lost dream led me to where you are

Others who broke my heart they were like Northern stars

Pointing me on my way into your loving arms

This much I know is true

That God blessed the broken road

That led me straight to you

(Yes He did)

I think about the years I spent just passing through

I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you

But you just smile and take my hand

You've been there you understand

It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true.

So maybe it isn't about "getting over" someone - because I've done that. Maybe it's really about finding true love. And you have to learn from your past in order to do that. And to learn from your past, I think that you have to carry it with you more than you would like. Because if you abandon it along your road, then you won't be able to consult it when necessary. But if you take the important parts along in your backpack - or in a folder on you laptop - then you can access them when you need them. 

Your person will come - but you will only be able to recognize them if you know what you are looking for and what makes you happy. So that's my plan - continue with my previous goal of being happy and healthy in mind, body, and spirit within the year - a New Year's Resolution of sorts (assuming that it counts if I started in November.) So I'm going to continue exercising with yoga, Zumba, and bouldering. And I'm going to go on any date that shows the slightest bit of promise. And I'm going to let myself be just a little bit selfish - because as a friend of mine so aptly stated - I want to know how I like my eggs. Because then, and only then, will I know what is truly good for me in the long run and only then will I be able to reach my goals.

Goals

I never thought very highly of goal-setting. Yes, I know, they are supposed to be a way of focusing your life and staying motivated and there are these bogus "statistics" that say people who set goals are more likely to achieve them...or something. But I'm one of those people who re-evaluates my life constantly, so setting S.M.A.R.T goals was really just a lot of extra work that I didn't (don't) have time for.

However, I took a class this semester where we did goal setting at the beginning and end of the semester and then compared them. We had to write 1-year and 5-year personal goals and professional goals. At the end of the semester, I felt rather justified in my lack of goal-setting practice, because my goals 1) hadn't changed drastically from beginning to end of the semester and 2) the only one that had, I could have totally told you that my thoughts had changed, without comparing the written down goals - I know myself pretty well, thank you very much!

During this process, though, I realized that the professional goals were easy - those are the things that I have been generally working towards my whole life, if not at least the past 8 years. The personal ones though, now those were hard. (Partly because I didn't feel like "get married" was an appropriate long-term personal goal to write down for a leadership class. Not to mention, it's nearly impossible to predict and plan for something like that.) But I was driving home from yoga tonight (yes, yoga, I had to swallow whatever pride I carry around and tell my mom that she "won" and yoga actually made my back feel better - I've been fighting her on this for...'round about 13 years) but I was driving home from yoga and realized that I do have a goal - to feel better about my life. This has been my goal for the last 2 years - as I'm sure if you've read much of this blog, you probably could have guessed. But to get a grip, grow up, and be content and happy.

Now, I am naturally an extremely patient person, but when it comes to myself, I think I can get things done quickly and get very frustrated when I can't. That is also part of this goal. My goal is:

Be completely healthy in mind, body, and spirit, in one year.

That is my true "1-year personal goal" Dr. Robinson, I hope you are happy. So here is my explanation:

- One year because, as much as I hate to admit it, these things take time and I have to accept that. My previous attempts that amounted to "next month," "when school starts," and various versions of "tomorrow" have not worked and were a result of me wanting to force my emotions into submission which is not really very healthy overall. One year will make it so I do not try to rush this process because, after all, you can't rush perfection. :)

- Mind, body, and spirit - because all good things come in threes, and "three is a magic number," but also because these three aspects of a person are so intertwined that they really can't be distinguished, and because if I want to be the best Me that I can be, all three of these need to be in one-piece.

So here is to a journey, and may the journey be as valuable as the destination. 

What I Want

At some point, we re-evaluate our lives - if you are me, this happens on nearly a daily basis. Recently, I've been finding a lot of things that I want that I don't currently have, and I think I've always wanted them. So here is the beginning of the list of things that, at 25, I want:

1. I want to read a book more than just on school breaks.

2. I want to cook.

3. I want to have the time to go to the gym 3 - 5 nights a week - and actually go.

4. I want to go grocery shopping with my roommates.

5. I want to spend Friday afternoons with my mom.

6. I want someone to love me, but I also want them to be willing to work and grow with me. Like an old school pop song, "I want [them] to want me."

7. I want to get a full night's sleep every night.

8. I want to watch TV.

9. I want to go to Happy Hour with my girl friends.

10. I want to clean my apartment. (Well, I want a clean apartment, which means that I want time to clean it...not really that I want to do the cleaning.)

11. I want time to talk to my best friends and keep in touch.

12. I want to hang out with my sister.

13. I want to be able to work and come home, and have work stay at work.

14. I want to make another quilt.

15. I want to work on my scrapbooks.

16. I want to be able to disconnect from the world for an entire week and not have some disaster to fix.

17. I want to walk my [parent's] dogs.

18. I want to go for a run.

19. I want to break in my climbing shoes.

20. I want to be able to sit for 5 minutes, and truly feel like I can and not have to worry about everything else I have to do.

What do you want?

Let Go

A few years ago I was on Greek Council with a few wonderful people. (The bulk if that is a different story.) When our terms were up, an advisor of ours made us a mixed CD with songs that ended up matching each of us perfectly. (Strange CD overall, the songs only go together when listened to altogether, funny, huh?) Anyways, these songs were supposed to represent not only who we were, but also what we should learn. My song was "Let Go" by Frou Frou. I knew it was mine right away because I always tried very hard to let things roll off my back, but I had this feeling that Sam thought it was something I still needed to learn. I have never asked her which she thought, and she probably wouldn't remember now, but I think the real reason it was my song was a little bit of both, because yes, I try very hard to let things roll - but I very often don't succeed.

That has happened to me a lot lately - not succeeding in that arena. One of my roommates has decided that she likes hearing me rant because it reminds her that I'm human. (High compliment in my opinion!) But I rant so that I don't lash out at others in non-productive ways. And when I don't rant, I bottle things up until something sets me off and then 2 or 3 days of my life are ruined with stress and tears. 

Some things are easy to let roll off - the company didn't deliver your material on time, the paper towel dispenser in the bathroom jammed, your boss set you a task you don't enjoy - you either ignore them or turn them into a lesson. But other things are harder - when you have to act like a President because someone acts like they're 12, you have to make a decision that you don't necessarily know is right, or someone abandons you when you thought better of them - those things take time...and good friends...and a hug...and a glass of wine...and maybe a relatively threatening rant that everyone knows won't come to fruition.

My last 2 days were like that. And I cried my eyes out multiple times. And I woke up this morning feeling a whole heck of a lot better because of the friends that I had, who were there for me when I needed them - no matter how much I'm sure they wish I'd figure it out and find some other life issue to cry about. 

So I guess this is a reminder to me and to all to "let go" and "live and let live" but also a tremendous thank you to the wonderful friends that I have - you truly have saved me more times than you realize.

Loyalty

When I die, I hope that people say that I'm loyal. I hope they say other things too, but a friend of mine called me "loyal" last week, and I was so flattered. I think it was one of the best compliments that I've ever received, and I don't think she knows what it meant to me. But just as we all know, every strength can be a fault if not used appropriately.

I have a random post (with not much on it, I'll admit), but it says "Never push a loyal person to the point where they no longer give a damn." Now, to be honest, I didn't write much on that post because I was mad, I didn't have a whole lot to say, and I knew that nothing that I could say would have been very productive. But the quote made a good point. Loyalty is something that we desire in friends, significant others, and hopefully everyone in our lives. And when you lose that person, it isn't going to be a very positive experience for you.

Surprisingly enough, loyalty is what I'm still looking for. I'm looking for someone who fits me perfectly and who is going to be loyal. They are going to be honest, truthful, and forthcoming and they will help me to be the same. So when you say something, mean it, and don't back down later without being honest about it. Because if you aren't honest, those loyal people in your life will leave. They will leave and never look back - because they value honestly and loyalty too.

Advice from Others

Since this has mostly been an advice blog I felt like I should share the advice of others as well. These two blogs (here and here) are about marriage, but I thought they were relevant in any relationship as well. Marriage is a topic that I cannot speak to, but relationships, we all have those in many forms.

7 Cardinal Rules in Life

Everyone goes through times in their life that are more challenging than others - and if you haven't, I'm slightly worried about you, because believe me, your time is coming...but there are a few things that we all need to remember as the days go by that can try to help us through those times.

1. Make Peace with your Past. No matter what you have done in your life, God still loves you - and if He loves you, then you have no reason not to love you. I'm also sure that we've all done at least 1 thing that we believe is unforgivable - but that isn't true either, those things just need more time and healing.

2. What Others Think of You is None of Your Business. This is true - what you think of yourself is really all that matters. My roommates and I were talking last night about people we know - and this morphed into, "what do other people say about me?" (And we were referring to people who don't know us that well but that see us every day.) And you know, as much as we would still like to know the answer to that question - if we are happy with our own lives and with who we are, then other people will have nothing bad to say about us! Always be kind and prove your value to yourself, and the opinions of others will fall to the wayside.

3. Time Heals Almost Everything - to be honest, I haven't yet found something that time WON'T heal. The problem is, you have to wait for it. "Patience is a virtue," as they say, but maybe patience is really meant to keep us calm while we wait for time to heal us, because it will, and you will be a changed person because of the experience. (It's also nice to remember that "there is nothing new under the sun" and you are not the only person who has ever been hurt or has had to wait for time to heal you - it doesn't really help a ton, but it does help with the patience aspect slightly.)

4. You are the Reason for your Happiness. This goes back to number 2, if you are happy with yourself, life will be good. When we turn to alcohol or sex or pick-your-negative outlet to create a semblance of happiness, that feeling is fleeting - and will leave you less fulfilled and more unhappy as time goes on. Find something productive that makes you happy - be that exercise, dance, or throwing yourself at as many leadership positions as you can possibly handle - just make sure it's productive. Through those positive things that already make you happy, you will, with God's help, learn to find yourself again.

5. Don't Compare your Life with Others - this brings expectations that won't be fulfilled for you. I read a book once called He's Just Not That Into You (the movie is pretty good too - I recommend both of them), and the authors kept saying things along the lines of "just because this one person that your friend knows had this guy that behaved this way, doesn't mean that that's normal and will happen to you." The point of that was - don't compare your story to that of others! (Now, I truly believe that every happy couple has one of those "exception" stories, you just don't have any way of knowing which dating "rule" is the one you will be breaking, so you have to learn to play by the "rules." But that is another story.) The point is, you're life is your own - so be happy with it. Comparing will only bring you heartache.

6. Stop Thinking Too Much. To be honest, this one is probably my hardest one - and to be more honest, the reason I'm writing this blog to begin with, to get my thoughts out in one coherent place so as to stop that never-ending-ruminating-cycle. I always want there to be an answer and many times, there either isn't one, or I don't like the one that exists. Start a diary, rant to a friend, write a blog - do whatever it takes to get yourself to stop over-thinking the situation - because most of the time they aren't even worth it.

and last but definitely not least,

7. Smile and stand up straight. Put on your 4 inch heels if it makes you more confident. Not only does smiling actually releases endorphins and serotonin and relieves stress which makes us physically happier. On top of that, it makes you more attractive and open and friendly which draws people in! I actually have a friend that I thought was a terrible human being when I first met her - and the more I saw her smile the more I wanted to be her friend, and the funny thing is - she is quite a wonderful human being who was just unhappy at the point in time when I met her! But to be honest, I would never have even gone out of my way to be nice, had I not seen her smile and had this crazy idea that she might be cool. The more you can smile, and laugh, the happier you will be - I guarantee it.

Little Bit of Everything

"Little Bit Of Everything"

I wish I could take a cab down to the creek
And hang a disco ball from an old oak tree
Smoke and drink once in a while
Somehow it'd be good for me
I want a cool chick that'll cook for me
But'll dance on the bar in her tan bare feet
And do what I want when I want and she'll do it with me

I don't need too much of nothing
I just wanna sing a little chill song
Get my groove on
Pour something strong
Down in my drink
Oh, I know
That I don't need a whole lot of anything
I just want a little bit of everything
Na na na na, na na na na
I just want a little bit of everything
Na na na na, na na na na

Now I don't need a garage full of cars
But I'll take a whole box of Cuban cigars
And I'll smoke 'em nice and slow
Like they were good for me
Don't need a ranch or a big piece of land
But I like to get a little bit of dirt on my hands
A big ole couch in a big ole room
Still feels lonely when it's just you
Yes it does

I don't need too much of nothing
I just wanna sing a little chill song
Get my groove on
Pour something strong
Down in my drink
Oh, I know
That I don't need a whole lot of anything
I just want a little bit of everything
Na na na na, na na na na

A little bit of everything
Under the sun
So, when I kick back basking in it
I'll be OK with what I've done
Still having fun

Cause I don't need too much of nothing
I just wanna sing a little chill song
Get my groove on
Pour something strong
Down in my drink
Oh, I know
That I don't need a whole lot of anything
I just want a little bit of everything
Na na na na, na na na na
I just want a little bit of everything
Na na na na, na na na na
I just want a little bit of everything
Yeah yea yea
Whoa, whoa, oh yeah

Now I don't know about you, but I want to be happy. That's all I want. I have spent the majority of the last 2 years being unhappy, and that's not ok with me. Now, on some level - it's life, and you put your big girl panties on and get over it. But 2 years?! I think that's excessive. But you know what? After everything that's happened to me, I have no good advice. I can only parrot what has come before me: 

"Only time will tell."

"Time heals all hurts."

Sometimes the only thing you can do is to process and wait. Wait until something better shows up. Wait until God is sure that you have learned whatever lesson He wants you to have learned. And sometimes...no, all the time, that is exceedingly frustrating. But maybe part of the lesson is patience? That is the only reason that I can come up with....but if you have a different idea, let me know.

We all just want to be happy. And, with time, we will be.

Trust

My tea told me this today. I seem to have a habit of finding tea with words of wisdom on them. Some extra wisdom never hurt anybody.

This struck me because I have this issue. The first being that I have to work with someone that I don't really trust. (Disclaimer, this has nothing to do with their ability to do their job or with their personality and I know they care deeply.) But I still don't trust them. I don't trust them to deal with any situation like an adult should - and it makes my life a lot harder. 

No one needs people around who make your life harder - but when your soul is already not at peace because of everything else in your life, this issue is the one that can surface as the most important - even when in the long run, it's probably the least important.

Trust that people will act like adults, do their job, not hurt you, be there when you need them....those are all things that we need to be confident in in order to live a peaceful life. When one of those is out of alignment, your whole person is off-kilter. The challenge then is to be the adult - to deal with each situation head-on and in the most graceful way possible. Things get better always, but sometimes it just takes awhile, a lot of hard work, and a lot of re-centering, to get yourself there.

Peace Be With You.