Ski Bum

Disclaimer: this blog post is going to be a bit like the last one.

So for those of you who don't know this story, I will give you a summary of it:
I grew up skiing, not every weekend like some kids but enough that my Baba bought my sister and I our own gear. Now we went skiing with him a few times a year until his knees stopped letting him go - which conveniently coincided with our gear no longer really fitting properly. After that, I hadn't gone skiing again until 2 years ago - and I was completely and utterly terrified. I wasn't scared because I didn't know how to ski (muscle-memory is really an amazing phenomenon!), instead I was scared because I had somehow developed an irrational fear of falling off the face of the mountain.

Yes, I understand that this fear was irrational and to those of you who don't know much about fears - do NOT EVER try to logic someone out of an irrational fear. It doesn't help, and will probably make it worse.

Needless to say, even though my ski buddy was so kind to me, I still felt that day that I was holding him back and that he really would rather be skiing somewhere else. And I couldn't help how scared I was and I couldn't get over it. (Looking back on it, I think I tried to force myself to get over it, and that also made it worse.)

So the other day, I decided that, buddy or not, I was going skiing and I was going to conquer my fear. I ended up having a friend to go with who had only skied twice and he was probably the best ski buddy I could have asked for because we were about at the same level and I could go at a slower pace and not feel as though I was holding anyone back. And you know what? I was a little nervous, but I was never scared. I now feel as though I could totally go back, and enjoy myself again, I just have to remember to stay within my limits and comfort level - and maybe be more careful of whom I pick to accompany me.

At some point, I told M that "there are some days where I am really glad that I'm not the same person I was two years ago, and today is one of those days." Now, I don't know if M really needed to hear that, but it was good for me to say out loud. Because I realized that this ski trip was only partly about proving to myself that I can ski and that I'm not afraid. It was also about proving to myself that I'm a whole person who is strong and independent and can make decisions on her own and doesn't need to be helped through life.

My entire life I was told that I was confident and very grown up for someone my age. And in the last 2 years I have felt like I was anything but that. Don't ever take who you are for granted, constantly develop yourself and give yourself opportunities to grow, because you won't ever grow if you don't take chances. You might be hurt worse than you ever could have imagined, but you also might find that you are stronger and more confident and more sure of yourself than you ever imagined you could be. Only in change does one truly live. Biologically speaking, if your body stopped changing (stopped metabolizing food, stopped growing, stopped healing, etc), you would be dead. The same is true for your soul - you have to give it the opportunity to learn and grow or you will only be moving backwards and unhappiness and discontentment will follow. So, even when times get tough, remember that "even if you fall flat on your face, at least you are moving forward" (Viktor Kiam).

The Hardest Part About Growing Up...

So I've been thinking (and as we know, that is always a very interesting, and usually emotional spiral and I really should just kick the habit), but I have. I have been trying to figure out why - after something like 5 months, I am not 100% "over" a relationship that lasted 4. Now those 4 months were...absolutely wonderful and the person was great. But why on earth is this taking so long?! It's really quite frustrating, to say the least.

We already know that I am a person who gets attached - and not only that, I hold on tight. I have had a tendency in my life to hold on to things with unimaginable strength, and then to simply let them go and move on as though I had been preparing for that day for awhile. The best, and first, example of this was between Junior High and High School. My mom actually told me that she was worried about me - worried that I wouldn't be ready for high school when it came because I was so happy in the 8th grade. (Apparently this contentedness is something that most 8th graders don't share.) But the astonishing thing to my mother, was that when 8th grade ended and 9th grade started, I jumped in with both feet and never looked back. And this has been the case with most transitions in my life.

But why, why can't I just move on like I "should." Well, I was trying to figure this out and googled the psychology of this phenomenon and the article I read (while mostly entirely unhelpful) had one good remark - we hold on to exs because it lets us access the part of ourselves that can love.

Now, like most of the rest of the article, that remark was really quite useless on its own, but it did get me thinking - I've gone on some dates and am doing things for myself and am being happy, so maybe my lingering thoughts are really NOT a sign of me having not moved on, but are my way of remembering what was good for me in another person. Because, let's face it, I'm 25 years old and already quite over the whole dating thing. I have no desire to get married right away, but I want to know that person that is my person! I want to start loving them, because why waste any more time!? But as a Rascal Flatts song says:

Every long lost dream led me to where you are

Others who broke my heart they were like Northern stars

Pointing me on my way into your loving arms

This much I know is true

That God blessed the broken road

That led me straight to you

(Yes He did)

I think about the years I spent just passing through

I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you

But you just smile and take my hand

You've been there you understand

It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true.

So maybe it isn't about "getting over" someone - because I've done that. Maybe it's really about finding true love. And you have to learn from your past in order to do that. And to learn from your past, I think that you have to carry it with you more than you would like. Because if you abandon it along your road, then you won't be able to consult it when necessary. But if you take the important parts along in your backpack - or in a folder on you laptop - then you can access them when you need them. 

Your person will come - but you will only be able to recognize them if you know what you are looking for and what makes you happy. So that's my plan - continue with my previous goal of being happy and healthy in mind, body, and spirit within the year - a New Year's Resolution of sorts (assuming that it counts if I started in November.) So I'm going to continue exercising with yoga, Zumba, and bouldering. And I'm going to go on any date that shows the slightest bit of promise. And I'm going to let myself be just a little bit selfish - because as a friend of mine so aptly stated - I want to know how I like my eggs. Because then, and only then, will I know what is truly good for me in the long run and only then will I be able to reach my goals.

Goals

I never thought very highly of goal-setting. Yes, I know, they are supposed to be a way of focusing your life and staying motivated and there are these bogus "statistics" that say people who set goals are more likely to achieve them...or something. But I'm one of those people who re-evaluates my life constantly, so setting S.M.A.R.T goals was really just a lot of extra work that I didn't (don't) have time for.

However, I took a class this semester where we did goal setting at the beginning and end of the semester and then compared them. We had to write 1-year and 5-year personal goals and professional goals. At the end of the semester, I felt rather justified in my lack of goal-setting practice, because my goals 1) hadn't changed drastically from beginning to end of the semester and 2) the only one that had, I could have totally told you that my thoughts had changed, without comparing the written down goals - I know myself pretty well, thank you very much!

During this process, though, I realized that the professional goals were easy - those are the things that I have been generally working towards my whole life, if not at least the past 8 years. The personal ones though, now those were hard. (Partly because I didn't feel like "get married" was an appropriate long-term personal goal to write down for a leadership class. Not to mention, it's nearly impossible to predict and plan for something like that.) But I was driving home from yoga tonight (yes, yoga, I had to swallow whatever pride I carry around and tell my mom that she "won" and yoga actually made my back feel better - I've been fighting her on this for...'round about 13 years) but I was driving home from yoga and realized that I do have a goal - to feel better about my life. This has been my goal for the last 2 years - as I'm sure if you've read much of this blog, you probably could have guessed. But to get a grip, grow up, and be content and happy.

Now, I am naturally an extremely patient person, but when it comes to myself, I think I can get things done quickly and get very frustrated when I can't. That is also part of this goal. My goal is:

Be completely healthy in mind, body, and spirit, in one year.

That is my true "1-year personal goal" Dr. Robinson, I hope you are happy. So here is my explanation:

- One year because, as much as I hate to admit it, these things take time and I have to accept that. My previous attempts that amounted to "next month," "when school starts," and various versions of "tomorrow" have not worked and were a result of me wanting to force my emotions into submission which is not really very healthy overall. One year will make it so I do not try to rush this process because, after all, you can't rush perfection. :)

- Mind, body, and spirit - because all good things come in threes, and "three is a magic number," but also because these three aspects of a person are so intertwined that they really can't be distinguished, and because if I want to be the best Me that I can be, all three of these need to be in one-piece.

So here is to a journey, and may the journey be as valuable as the destination. 

The Edge of Insanity

Some people simply don't understand the impact that each decision...or indecision, makes. But you know what? It's their loss.

Just Not Today

I'm sitting here, with lots on my mind, but nothing solid to write. I want to write and speak my thoughts, but they just keep going around in circles over the same stuff that has been there for the past 2 weeks. So if this post is rambling and doesn't quite hit the mark on any one topic, I don't blame you for being confused.

The heart is a very strange thing. It loves easy, and is hurt easy. A few short months ago...screw that, a few short week ago, I had no idea that I would be sitting here with my heart crushed yet again. It's amazing how fast things change. When this boyfriend broke up with me, my mom tells me, "if he wasn't the right one, can you imagine what the right one is like?" This one, well, I had so many people ask if I was going to marry him that it was actually a little scary because that was so far beyond anything that I had really truly thought of. But maybe, deep down, I thought I might. I don't know. I still don't know what was deep down, and I guess on some level, it doesn't really matter anymore, considering the circumstances. All I do know is that this is the "easiest" break-up I've ever been through...while I think it might be his hardest. And the part of me that wishes I could be a b***h is perfectly ok with that. Sometimes poetic justice really is the best thing for you. Like when he jammed his finger in the door and had a terrible day the next day and didn't feel any better? I was secretly happy inside.

I'm not mad, I've more had my feelings really hurt. Which is really strange because I can honestly say that I liked him the best. Shortest relationship I've ever been in and it might have been the best one yet. Why am I not mad? By all rights, I could be and no one would blame me, but I get it. If it's possible to do a break-up well, this was it. Because it really truly, 100% had nothing to do with me. Other break-ups feel like rejections and the "it's not you, it's me" is never really true...or at least we don't feel like it is. This one, I can honestly say, has nothing to do with me, and that makes it better I guess. But it doesn't take away from the fact that I'm hurt.

I'm not crying myself to sleep every night, or being self-destructive, or making bad decisions, but my friends wedding pictures and even my parents (who have been married for over 28 years) being adorable will send me into fits of sobs. Because maybe, just maybe, I had almost had that. Because I really feel like I lost one of my best friends that day. And that's something different than I've felt before. But sometimes things are not for us to understand. God has a bigger plan and we will figure it all out eventually....just not today.

History

"You have to put your past behind you." "Put your behind in your past." "Learn from the past." These are lessons we have grown up hearing. But you know, it's one that is easier said than done. I am a history person - someone who believes that you have to learn from your past in order to move forward. But I'm also someone who believes that you can know nearly everything there is to know about a person if you know where they came from and how they got to now. Your past defines you. As much as we try to put it behind us because of the painful parts there, it is a part of us and it changes the way we look at everything in our future. Never trust someone who doesn't understand that your past is who you are - because your past entirely defines you. It defines you in such a way that logic won't get you out of it. Now, I would like to apologize to anyone who has had to deal with me - with my past. But at the same time, it's who I am. Part of growing up is learning that and then constantly dealing with the past as it flares in our faces yet again - as old fears crop up, consequences of old decisions reveal themselves, and happiness surfaces. 

Be honest. Be honest with those people who have to deal with this. Be honest about your fears - don't let them define your present. It's hard to open up and trust new people, but sometimes that is the best thing you can do. History will only repeat itself if you let it - if you aren't honest and your try to run from it.

YOLO

20 seconds, that's all it takes. The amount of time to ask "why not?", realize that you don't have a good reason, and agree to do something that you never thought you would. Sometimes that can be the stupidest thing you've ever done, sometimes it can be the best. If it's the stupidest - learn from it; if it's the best - look at what you gained! Either way, you learned something about yourself that you didn't know before.

Sometimes event the quietest among us need to go a little crazy to find out who we are and where we stand. Sometimes the path to knowing yourself fully is through everything that no one else would ever expect of you. (But the good news is, you probably have at least one friend who is exactly like you and completely understands.)

I attract crazy friends, always have. I could never figure out quite why until I found this tiny little part inside of me that really wanted to be crazy like them. Now, I'm not as crazy as some of my friends and never will be, but they bring out that "why not?" side of me that has taught me so much and shown me what I am truly capable of - but has also shown me more of who I am and what makes me happy. So to my friends that are nuts - thank you. And to those who are relatively reserved - I get you. And if you decide to do something slightly out of your norm - I know why, and I'm so very proud of you. You only live once, so you might as well make it worth living.