A Little Bit Stronger

"A Little Bit Stronger" by Sara Evans

Woke up late today, and I still feel the sting of the pain.
But I brushed my teeth anyway, got dressed through the mess and put a smile on my face.
I got a little bit stronger.

Riding in the car to work, and I'm trying to ignore the hurt.
So I turned on the radio, Stupid song made me think of you,
I listened to it for minute, but then I changed it.
I'm getting a little bit stronger, just a little bit stronger.

And I'm done hoping that we can work it out,
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around.
And ohhh
I'm done thinking, that you could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same, 
but I'm telling myself I'll be okay.
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.

Doesn't happen over night, but you turn around and a months gone by,
And you realize you haven't cried.
I'm not giving you a hour or a second or another minute longer.
I'm busy getting stronger.

And I'm done hoping that we can work it out,
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around.
And ohhh
I'm done thinking, that you could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same,
but I'm telling myself I'll be okay.
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.
I get a little bit stronger.

Getting along without you baby,
I'm better off without you baby,
How does it feel with out me baby?
I'm getting stronger without you baby.

And I'm done hoping that we can work it out,
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around.
And ohhh
I'm done thinking, that you could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same,
but I'm telling myself I'll be okay,
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.
I get a little bit stronger.

I'm just a little bit stronger.
A little bit, a little bit, a little bit stronger.
I get a little bit stronger.

---------------------

I heard this song in the car on my way home today and almost started crying....Sometimes it's hard to put your thoughts into words. This doesn't quite make it because the situation is different but the purple parts are closest.

I am stronger. Stronger than I used to be. And even though I don't feel like it most of the time, sometimes that knowledge is all that matters to keep on moving forward.

Greek Families

It's the middle of August, so what does that mean for my Alma Mater? School is about to start up again. We have 1 week until the date. This, in turn, means that the sorority women are getting ready to recruit a new class, and the bright-eyed and bushy-tailed freshmen (and a few upperclassmen) are ready to find their homes.

Now, personally, I hate recruitment. I have really never had a good experience attached to it, but that is entirely just me, plenty of people love it. But as my sister went back to shuttle freshmen around, my cousin went to start her freshman year, and the sororities start getting ready to meet over 700 women, I realized that I missed it.

I get this every year because, while I don't like recruitment itself, I love what it stands for. My sorority was one of the the best decisions that I have ever made. I learned a lot, made life-long friends, and found a home-away-from-home for 4 years. Those women that I lived and worked with, turned into my family. I'm lucky enough to have my real family, my pharm phamily, and my Greek family and all I wish is that the over 700 women who will be going through recruitment, find their families.

My sorority sisters have kept me honest, laughed with me at my best, and cried with me at my worst. They've forgiven me when things went badly wrong, and rejoiced in my successes. I am a better person because of these women and they helped me along my path to where I am today. I would have had a very different college experience without the women of Delta Delta Delta, and I am so glad that they wanted me, and I wanted them. I owe them a lot, and will continue to go to them for support, advice, a shoulder to cry on, or plain and honest fun and no words can truly describe how much I love each and every one of them.

Just Not Today

I'm sitting here, with lots on my mind, but nothing solid to write. I want to write and speak my thoughts, but they just keep going around in circles over the same stuff that has been there for the past 2 weeks. So if this post is rambling and doesn't quite hit the mark on any one topic, I don't blame you for being confused.

The heart is a very strange thing. It loves easy, and is hurt easy. A few short months ago...screw that, a few short week ago, I had no idea that I would be sitting here with my heart crushed yet again. It's amazing how fast things change. When this boyfriend broke up with me, my mom tells me, "if he wasn't the right one, can you imagine what the right one is like?" This one, well, I had so many people ask if I was going to marry him that it was actually a little scary because that was so far beyond anything that I had really truly thought of. But maybe, deep down, I thought I might. I don't know. I still don't know what was deep down, and I guess on some level, it doesn't really matter anymore, considering the circumstances. All I do know is that this is the "easiest" break-up I've ever been through...while I think it might be his hardest. And the part of me that wishes I could be a b***h is perfectly ok with that. Sometimes poetic justice really is the best thing for you. Like when he jammed his finger in the door and had a terrible day the next day and didn't feel any better? I was secretly happy inside.

I'm not mad, I've more had my feelings really hurt. Which is really strange because I can honestly say that I liked him the best. Shortest relationship I've ever been in and it might have been the best one yet. Why am I not mad? By all rights, I could be and no one would blame me, but I get it. If it's possible to do a break-up well, this was it. Because it really truly, 100% had nothing to do with me. Other break-ups feel like rejections and the "it's not you, it's me" is never really true...or at least we don't feel like it is. This one, I can honestly say, has nothing to do with me, and that makes it better I guess. But it doesn't take away from the fact that I'm hurt.

I'm not crying myself to sleep every night, or being self-destructive, or making bad decisions, but my friends wedding pictures and even my parents (who have been married for over 28 years) being adorable will send me into fits of sobs. Because maybe, just maybe, I had almost had that. Because I really feel like I lost one of my best friends that day. And that's something different than I've felt before. But sometimes things are not for us to understand. God has a bigger plan and we will figure it all out eventually....just not today.

Star Trek

For those of you who are Star Trek fans like me and my family, I highly recommend the new movie. Just as many one-liners as the first one and just as exciting. I think overall I might have liked the first one better, but I was definitely not disappointed by this one. But that isn't really what I'm going to talk about - I just felt it was necessary to add a review into this post if I was going to use the ad as the photo.

What I really wanted to talk about was the dedication at the end. Now, you have to get through all the main credits, and right before the list of everyone-who-did-any-minor-task-related-to-this-movie listing, there is a dedication to our post-9-11 veterans, thanking them for their service not only abroad, but also at home. Now, my disclaimer is that I happen to be dating one of those post-9-11 veterans and am personally related to other post-military personnel. That being said, I would have thought it a nice dedication regardless. The plot of the movie, actually begets that dedication through it's plot as well, and I thought it very appropriate. But anyways, I thought it a nice, very public way, of thanking a group of people who give so much and get very little thanks.

Military personnel are a prime example of a group of people who give years of their lives to protect the people of this country and get very little individual recognition for it. As a society, we thank them as a group, but as individuals, we don't. This got me thinking about the various groups of people who do so much and get very little recognition or are recognized more as a group: parents, teachers, health care workers, custodians, God-parents, grand-parents, volunteer leaders, committee members, etc.

I guess the point of this ramble is 1) to tell you that Star Trek is a very good movie, 2) inform you that Chris Pine is just as attractive as ever, 3) to remind you to take a second to find someone in your life that does more work than they get credit for and simply to thank them for what they do, and lastly, to formally thank all our military personnel, both past and present, for the time and service they give to the people of this country. We appreciate your efforts more than we let on, and more than we may even realize.

History

"You have to put your past behind you." "Put your behind in your past." "Learn from the past." These are lessons we have grown up hearing. But you know, it's one that is easier said than done. I am a history person - someone who believes that you have to learn from your past in order to move forward. But I'm also someone who believes that you can know nearly everything there is to know about a person if you know where they came from and how they got to now. Your past defines you. As much as we try to put it behind us because of the painful parts there, it is a part of us and it changes the way we look at everything in our future. Never trust someone who doesn't understand that your past is who you are - because your past entirely defines you. It defines you in such a way that logic won't get you out of it. Now, I would like to apologize to anyone who has had to deal with me - with my past. But at the same time, it's who I am. Part of growing up is learning that and then constantly dealing with the past as it flares in our faces yet again - as old fears crop up, consequences of old decisions reveal themselves, and happiness surfaces. 

Be honest. Be honest with those people who have to deal with this. Be honest about your fears - don't let them define your present. It's hard to open up and trust new people, but sometimes that is the best thing you can do. History will only repeat itself if you let it - if you aren't honest and your try to run from it.

Bloomsday

I ran Bloomsday today with my little. Now, I have this goal of running a half-marathon in October, but I got sick a few months ago and never re-started. So running 7.5 miles on no training is really a stupid decision. However, it was fun, and although I hurt and I will hurt worse tomorrow, I don't regret it at all! In light of all this, I would like to impart some wisdom in the form of running quotes (*note, I am not responsible for the accuracy of the authors as most of these were found via the internet):

1. "Even if you fall flat on your face, at least you are moving forward." - Sue Luke

2. There are two kinds of people: those who run, and those who should.

3. The greater the challenge, the greater the glory. (Not necessarily about running, but can apply to all aspects of life.)

4. "You shall run and not grow weary, you shall walk and not grow faint." - Isaiah 40:31

5. It doesn't matter if you win or lose, it's how you play the game.

6. "Top results are reached only through pain. But eventually you like this pain. You'll find the more difficulties you have on the way, the more you will enjoy your success." - Juha Vaatainen

7. "Running is a lot like life. Only 10% of it is exciting. 90% of it is slog and drudge." - Dave Bedford

8. "Sports do not build character. They reveal it." - John Wooden

9. Cross-country, finally, a good use of golf courses! (No, offense to my golf-liking readers.)

10. Running is 90% mental, the rest is physical.

11. While running, it is rude to count the people you pass out loud.

12."Most people race to see who is the fastest, I race to see who has the most guts." - Prefontaine

13. "Running is a lot like life, it's a long journey but well worth it."

14. "Anyone can run 100 meters...it's the next 4900 that count."

15. "Some people don't have the guts for distance racing. The polite term for them is 'sprinters.'"

16. "Bid me run and I will strive for things impossible." -Shakespeare

17. "Running is the greatest metaphor for life, because you get out of it what you put into it." - Oprah

18. "Records are made to be broken."

19. "It hurts up to a point and then it doesn't get any worse." -Ann Trason

20. Running is real and relatively simple - but it ain't easy.

21. To a runner, a side stitch is like a car alarm. It signifies something is wrong, but you ignore it until is goes away.

22. Life is short...running makes it seem longer. (*But not if you run with good friends - they make everything go faster!)

23. "Running is a mental sport...and we are all insane."

24. Date a runner, everyone else is a player.

25. Our speed team has a cross-country problem.

26. Cross-country...no half times, no timeouts, no substitutions...the only true sport.

27. "If you run 100 miles a week, you can eat anything you want. - why? Because a) you'll burn all the calories you consume, b) you deserve it, and c) you'll be injured soon and back on a restricted diet anyway." - Don Kardong

28. "Why your legs, stomach, chest, arms, and head hurt, and you feel like you're going to die, then you know you are ready to start the second mile." (*This is so true. You will almost never feel as bad as you feel after 1 mile into your run.)

29. "Just want to make sure it's living hell for anyone out there who's going to beat me." - Ken Souza

30. "No negative thoughts cross my mind on race day. When I look into their eyes, I know I'm going to beat them." - Danny Harris

31. "You don't run against a bloody stopwatch, do you hear? A runner runs against himself, against the best that's in him. Not against a dead thing of wheels and pulleys. That's the way to be great, running against yourself. Against all the rotten mess in the world. Against God, if you're good enough." - Bill Persons

32. "Racing teaches us to challenge ourselves. It teaches us to push beyond where we thought we could go. It helps us to find out what we are made of. This is what we do. This is what it's all about." - Patti Sue Plumer

33. "Your toughness is made up of equal parts persistence and experience. You don't so much outrun your opponents as outlast and outsmart them, and the toughest opponent of all is the one inside your head." - Joe Henderson

34. "The miles can build you up or the miles can wear you down, it's all about how you approach it." - Josh Cox

35. "If you can't win, make the fellow ahead of you break the record."

36. These are the times that try men's soles.

37. "Champions do not become champions when they win the event, but in the hours, weeks, months, and year they spend preparing for it. The victorious performance itself it merely the demonstration of their championship character." - T. Alan Armstrong

38. "The five S's of sports training are: stamina, speed, strength, skill, and spirit; but the greatest of these is spirit." - Ken Doherty

39. "If God invented marathons to keep people from doing anything more stupid, the triathalon must have taken Him completely by surprise." - P.Z. Pearce

40. "The gun goes off and everything changes...the world changes...and nothing else really matters." - Patti Sue Plummer

41. "It's at the borders of pain and suffering that the men are separated from the boys." - Emil Zatropek (*Again, about more than just running.)

42. "Somewhere in the world someone is training when you are not. When you race him, he will win." - Tom Fleming

43. Cross-country philosophy...the faster you run the faster you're done."

44. "Run like hell and get the agony over with." - Clarence DeMar

45. "We are different, in essence, from other men. If you want to win something, run 100 meters. If you want to experience something, run a marathon." - Emil Zatopek

46. "Running is like mouthwash; if you can feel the burn, it's working." - Brain Tackett


You're welcome.

Past, Present, and Future

I am sitting here, in my parent's kitchen, after moving half my stuff, listening to my dad blast country music out the basement door and watching my dogs look for shade. This is my perfection.

I just spent 6 years living in the town pictured above. Pullman is a wonderful place - I learned and grew so much from my experiences there. I had my ups and downs (going ape-shit on your sorority sisters as a freshman is not the best life choice, but it can cause you to learn valuable lessons). I've been through minor depression and exultation. I've fallen in love and had my heart broken. I've found the best friends that anyone could ask for, and some of the worst. I am a different, more grown up, and a better person because of Pullman and WSU. And after 6 years (4 undergrad, 2 grad), it is time to leave. When I graduated, I cried when I left for the summer, even though I knew that I would be back in a few short months. When I left the other day? I had my moments during my final week in town where I was sad, but when I physically left I had about 5 minutes where I wasn't entirely sure how I felt. And then I realized how wonderful it is going to be to visit my sister and boyfriend next year and say "Hi, I'm Sean, I'm an alumni" and have no one wonder what I'm doing in town. I am ready to move on to the next chapter. I still have more school, but a new place will be well worth the wait. I owe a lot to Pullman and the people that I have met there - you have served me well.

So as I'm sitting in my version of perfection, reminiscing on the past 6 years of my life, I want to give credit where it is due - to my refuge. My home has been my refuge in good times and in bad - and always will me. My parents are wonderful people who have given me a lot to get me to where I am today and as much as I owe to the people of Pullman, I owe much more to my family. So this summer, I'm looking forward to adventure and happiness (with a sprinkling of boyfriend-missing), and I can owe this happiness to my parents and my version of perfection.