Just Not Today

I'm sitting here, with lots on my mind, but nothing solid to write. I want to write and speak my thoughts, but they just keep going around in circles over the same stuff that has been there for the past 2 weeks. So if this post is rambling and doesn't quite hit the mark on any one topic, I don't blame you for being confused.

The heart is a very strange thing. It loves easy, and is hurt easy. A few short months ago...screw that, a few short week ago, I had no idea that I would be sitting here with my heart crushed yet again. It's amazing how fast things change. When this boyfriend broke up with me, my mom tells me, "if he wasn't the right one, can you imagine what the right one is like?" This one, well, I had so many people ask if I was going to marry him that it was actually a little scary because that was so far beyond anything that I had really truly thought of. But maybe, deep down, I thought I might. I don't know. I still don't know what was deep down, and I guess on some level, it doesn't really matter anymore, considering the circumstances. All I do know is that this is the "easiest" break-up I've ever been through...while I think it might be his hardest. And the part of me that wishes I could be a b***h is perfectly ok with that. Sometimes poetic justice really is the best thing for you. Like when he jammed his finger in the door and had a terrible day the next day and didn't feel any better? I was secretly happy inside.

I'm not mad, I've more had my feelings really hurt. Which is really strange because I can honestly say that I liked him the best. Shortest relationship I've ever been in and it might have been the best one yet. Why am I not mad? By all rights, I could be and no one would blame me, but I get it. If it's possible to do a break-up well, this was it. Because it really truly, 100% had nothing to do with me. Other break-ups feel like rejections and the "it's not you, it's me" is never really true...or at least we don't feel like it is. This one, I can honestly say, has nothing to do with me, and that makes it better I guess. But it doesn't take away from the fact that I'm hurt.

I'm not crying myself to sleep every night, or being self-destructive, or making bad decisions, but my friends wedding pictures and even my parents (who have been married for over 28 years) being adorable will send me into fits of sobs. Because maybe, just maybe, I had almost had that. Because I really feel like I lost one of my best friends that day. And that's something different than I've felt before. But sometimes things are not for us to understand. God has a bigger plan and we will figure it all out eventually....just not today.