Positive Change

So I guess I don't really have as much to say on this subject as I thought I did. I found this quote and it really spoke to me though. I feel like it's a really good piece of advice to remember, and we hear it in many forms:

"It's what I do that defines me." - Batman

"You are what you eat, from your head to your feet!"

I'm even reading a 100 year-old book called 'As A Man Thinketh' where the whole point of the book is that a man is what he thinks - his thoughts define him.

I guess I've been thinking about this type of stuff a lot in the past few years, and maybe longer than that if I'm honest. "Who am I?" Is the age old question that ever person on this planet must eventually answer in order to be happy.

Change is good - it's necessary and healthy (even if maybe it hurts sometimes). And as long as you grow "into yourself" as they say, you are doing life right. But, as a friend of mine once told me, "That's OK as long as you don't change into someone that you don't want to be." And she was right. I knew she didn't have to worry, but at the time of the advice, I could see why she felt the need to give me this very wise advice.

You have some degree of control over how you change, just as you can control the thoughts that you think. To a point, life happens to you. But in order to truly live, you must play the game, you must act, you must learn to control and learn from the things that happen to you. When you can learn from every situation and truly grow from it, you are living well. 

Learning is part of change. It drives positive change. And isn't positive change what we all are seeking?

Ampersand

So, I just watched the final episode of this year's Bachelorette - yes, I know, it aired like a month ago. And the truth is, I think I saw about 1 other episode. Unlike most of the population, The Bachelor/Bachelorette saga drives me absolutely crazy because it is 1) very fake with all the rules they set up and 2) entirely unrealistic. I mean, in a show that promotes "finding love" they go through that process very quickly and how many of these couples are still together?

Yes, I know, for some people, when-you-know-you-know and they are engaged and married within a year. But for the vast majority of the population, that just isn't true. And there is nothing wrong with that - it's simply a fact.

Life (and love) moves at a much slower pace than the Bachelor/Bachelorette would have us believe. But I don't think that is the fault of the entertainment industry - they are simply playing off what we already want. We WANT love to move faster, we WANT to find that person, and we definitely DON'T WANT to deal with heartbreak and rejection. But we can be reassured in knowing that although nothing lasts forever - there is always an "and."

The Only Choice

As I was searching for a picture quote to describe the way I've been feeling lately, this one caught my attention. Now, I'm not at a place in my life where I'm ready to commit to someone forever, but that doesn't mean that I'm not ready to commit. We go through high school and even college wanting someone to spend time with and have fun with, but what I'm finding recently is that I really do want that person that I might be able to spend my life with. That's the funny thing - when you find someone who nearly fits that bill, you realize that it's possible - that person is out there!

But sometimes the heartache and the waiting take their toll. And doubt creeps in - that ever spreading doubt that brings you down and tries to make you believe that none of your dreams will come true and you will be alone forever. And fighting that doubt is far easier said than done. But as an elf once told me, "Seeing isn't believing, believing is seeing" (The Santa Claus) - just because you can't see the end result, doesn't mean that it isn't there.

Because in the end, even if I would never make them choose, the right person (in the right timing) will choose me. And they won't choose me because they have no better options - they will choose me because even if they have other options, I would still be the only right choice. Just because I'm ready to make some commitment to this mystery person - doesn't mean that I've even met them yet, and all I can do is to just hold on through the heartache and the waiting - and know that at the end of the tunnel is some country boy who will be everything that I ever dreamed he would be - and more.

"I'm not surprised, not everything lasts

I've broken my heart so many times, I stopped keeping track

Talk myself in, I talk myself out

I get all worked up, then I let myself down

I tried so very hard not to lose it

I came up with a million excuses

I thought, I thought of every possibility

And I know someday that it'll all turn out

You'll make me work, so we can work to work it out

And I promise you, kid, that I give so much more than I get

I just haven't met you yet

I might have to wait, I'll never give up

I guess it's half timing, and the other half's luck

Wherever you are, whenever it's right

You'll come out of nowhere and into my life

And I know that we can be so amazing

And, baby, your love is gonna change me

And now I can see every possibility

And somehow I know that it'll all turn out

You'll make me work, so we can work to work it out

And I promise you, kid, I give so much more than I get

I just haven't met you yet

They say all's fair

In love and war

But I won't need to fight it

We'll get it right and we'll be united

And I know that we can be so amazing

And being in your life is gonna change me

And now I can see every single possibility

And someday I know it'll all turn out

And I'll work to work it out

Promise you, kid, I'll give more than I get

Than I get, than I get, than I get

Oh, you know it'll all turn out

And you'll make me work so we can work to work it out

And I promise you kid to give so much more than I get

Yeah, I just haven't met you yet

I just haven't met you yet

Oh, promise you, kid

To give so much more than I get

I said love, love, love, love

Love, love, love, love

(I just haven't met you yet)

Love, love, love, love

Love, love

I just haven't met you yet."

"Haven't Met You Yet" - Michael Buble (lyrics courtesy of MetroLyrics)

The Edge of Insanity

Some people simply don't understand the impact that each decision...or indecision, makes. But you know what? It's their loss.

A Little Bit Stronger

"A Little Bit Stronger" by Sara Evans

Woke up late today, and I still feel the sting of the pain.
But I brushed my teeth anyway, got dressed through the mess and put a smile on my face.
I got a little bit stronger.

Riding in the car to work, and I'm trying to ignore the hurt.
So I turned on the radio, Stupid song made me think of you,
I listened to it for minute, but then I changed it.
I'm getting a little bit stronger, just a little bit stronger.

And I'm done hoping that we can work it out,
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around.
And ohhh
I'm done thinking, that you could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same, 
but I'm telling myself I'll be okay.
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.

Doesn't happen over night, but you turn around and a months gone by,
And you realize you haven't cried.
I'm not giving you a hour or a second or another minute longer.
I'm busy getting stronger.

And I'm done hoping that we can work it out,
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around.
And ohhh
I'm done thinking, that you could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same,
but I'm telling myself I'll be okay.
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.
I get a little bit stronger.

Getting along without you baby,
I'm better off without you baby,
How does it feel with out me baby?
I'm getting stronger without you baby.

And I'm done hoping that we can work it out,
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around.
And ohhh
I'm done thinking, that you could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same,
but I'm telling myself I'll be okay,
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.
I get a little bit stronger.

I'm just a little bit stronger.
A little bit, a little bit, a little bit stronger.
I get a little bit stronger.

---------------------

I heard this song in the car on my way home today and almost started crying....Sometimes it's hard to put your thoughts into words. This doesn't quite make it because the situation is different but the purple parts are closest.

I am stronger. Stronger than I used to be. And even though I don't feel like it most of the time, sometimes that knowledge is all that matters to keep on moving forward.

Greek Families

It's the middle of August, so what does that mean for my Alma Mater? School is about to start up again. We have 1 week until the date. This, in turn, means that the sorority women are getting ready to recruit a new class, and the bright-eyed and bushy-tailed freshmen (and a few upperclassmen) are ready to find their homes.

Now, personally, I hate recruitment. I have really never had a good experience attached to it, but that is entirely just me, plenty of people love it. But as my sister went back to shuttle freshmen around, my cousin went to start her freshman year, and the sororities start getting ready to meet over 700 women, I realized that I missed it.

I get this every year because, while I don't like recruitment itself, I love what it stands for. My sorority was one of the the best decisions that I have ever made. I learned a lot, made life-long friends, and found a home-away-from-home for 4 years. Those women that I lived and worked with, turned into my family. I'm lucky enough to have my real family, my pharm phamily, and my Greek family and all I wish is that the over 700 women who will be going through recruitment, find their families.

My sorority sisters have kept me honest, laughed with me at my best, and cried with me at my worst. They've forgiven me when things went badly wrong, and rejoiced in my successes. I am a better person because of these women and they helped me along my path to where I am today. I would have had a very different college experience without the women of Delta Delta Delta, and I am so glad that they wanted me, and I wanted them. I owe them a lot, and will continue to go to them for support, advice, a shoulder to cry on, or plain and honest fun and no words can truly describe how much I love each and every one of them.

Just Not Today

I'm sitting here, with lots on my mind, but nothing solid to write. I want to write and speak my thoughts, but they just keep going around in circles over the same stuff that has been there for the past 2 weeks. So if this post is rambling and doesn't quite hit the mark on any one topic, I don't blame you for being confused.

The heart is a very strange thing. It loves easy, and is hurt easy. A few short months ago...screw that, a few short week ago, I had no idea that I would be sitting here with my heart crushed yet again. It's amazing how fast things change. When this boyfriend broke up with me, my mom tells me, "if he wasn't the right one, can you imagine what the right one is like?" This one, well, I had so many people ask if I was going to marry him that it was actually a little scary because that was so far beyond anything that I had really truly thought of. But maybe, deep down, I thought I might. I don't know. I still don't know what was deep down, and I guess on some level, it doesn't really matter anymore, considering the circumstances. All I do know is that this is the "easiest" break-up I've ever been through...while I think it might be his hardest. And the part of me that wishes I could be a b***h is perfectly ok with that. Sometimes poetic justice really is the best thing for you. Like when he jammed his finger in the door and had a terrible day the next day and didn't feel any better? I was secretly happy inside.

I'm not mad, I've more had my feelings really hurt. Which is really strange because I can honestly say that I liked him the best. Shortest relationship I've ever been in and it might have been the best one yet. Why am I not mad? By all rights, I could be and no one would blame me, but I get it. If it's possible to do a break-up well, this was it. Because it really truly, 100% had nothing to do with me. Other break-ups feel like rejections and the "it's not you, it's me" is never really true...or at least we don't feel like it is. This one, I can honestly say, has nothing to do with me, and that makes it better I guess. But it doesn't take away from the fact that I'm hurt.

I'm not crying myself to sleep every night, or being self-destructive, or making bad decisions, but my friends wedding pictures and even my parents (who have been married for over 28 years) being adorable will send me into fits of sobs. Because maybe, just maybe, I had almost had that. Because I really feel like I lost one of my best friends that day. And that's something different than I've felt before. But sometimes things are not for us to understand. God has a bigger plan and we will figure it all out eventually....just not today.