Sitting There

Have you ever heard the quote "Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there?" Well this is how I feel recently, and not in the positive sense, but in the sense that I'm on the right track but just sitting there, hoping I don't get run over. I'm somewhere in limbo between where I am and where I am going. I'm in a waiting place like in that Dr Seuss book - waiting for a train to come, a car to go, the wind to blow, the mail to come...or something along those lines. Now, I am ending my last semester of classwork and starting rotations here in about three weeks, and how I feel right now is about how I felt senior year of undergrad. That I am on the right track and yet not going anywhere.

It is such a weird feeling when you know that you have made the right choice with your life, so where does it come from? That is the question that I would like answered. Does it come from being in a place where I am waiting? Or does it come from something that's missing? I have not been able to figure that out and I wish I knew the answer.

All I can think of is that maybe there are times along your path where you stop dead or even go backwards. And you can't figure out why you have stopped or even how to get going again. This is not necessarily a failure, it is just a redirecting. But of what kind, I wish I knew...

Success

 Success. This tiny little word can mean such different things to different people at different points in their lives. I thought this drawing was rather a good description of success because the only thing that you can know is that you really have no idea what your success will look like. You can goal-set and make checklists until the cows come home, but in the end, you will never be able to predict the ride that you end up on.

When you're young, success if very simple. Maybe you get an A on your spelling test, maybe you get 90% of your times tables correct in the allotted amount of time, maybe you join the softball team and actually learn to hit the ball. But as we get older, our definition of success can change. Maybe you graduate from college, maybe you get your doctorate before the valedictorians from high school, maybe you have a family. But maybe those are also the things that people expect you to pick.

Maybe success really is so twisted around that you very often find yourself further behind than when you started, maybe you sit in the same place for months on end and have no idea how to move forward or where to go next. Maybe success is really about getting out of bed every day and trying your best. And maybe the "highlight reel" successes are made up of tiny, barely noticeable ones that make up your every day life.

I don't know what your pathway to success will look like, where it will take you, or where you will end up. Heck! I don't even know where mine is going! But the thing that I'm reminded about each day is that you can only be successful if you get up, show up, and work your a$$ off every single day.

But the other thing that I'm learning about success is, that you can be the most "successful" person on the planet, and if you aren't happy with yourself, no amount of highlight reel success will make you happy. Now, I know that's really cheesy, and a quite overused piece of advice and even one that I don't always take - but I think that it is the absolute truth.

Today, a friend asked the question, "what is your definition of beauty?" and my answer was someone who is happy and healthy in mind, body, and spirit. And I've decided that that is also my current definition of success. What's yours?

Thanks

I have been more melodramatic in the last year than is really part of my personality. This post is simply a thank you to two women in my life that have put up with me enough to live with me who are always honest, there for me no matter what, sympathize with me, and when I cross over into melodrama - they tell me by their silence and pointed advice that enough is enough.  These women are two wonderful influences in my life and do a really nice job of keeping me on track.

Ski Bum

Disclaimer: this blog post is going to be a bit like the last one.

So for those of you who don't know this story, I will give you a summary of it:
I grew up skiing, not every weekend like some kids but enough that my Baba bought my sister and I our own gear. Now we went skiing with him a few times a year until his knees stopped letting him go - which conveniently coincided with our gear no longer really fitting properly. After that, I hadn't gone skiing again until 2 years ago - and I was completely and utterly terrified. I wasn't scared because I didn't know how to ski (muscle-memory is really an amazing phenomenon!), instead I was scared because I had somehow developed an irrational fear of falling off the face of the mountain.

Yes, I understand that this fear was irrational and to those of you who don't know much about fears - do NOT EVER try to logic someone out of an irrational fear. It doesn't help, and will probably make it worse.

Needless to say, even though my ski buddy was so kind to me, I still felt that day that I was holding him back and that he really would rather be skiing somewhere else. And I couldn't help how scared I was and I couldn't get over it. (Looking back on it, I think I tried to force myself to get over it, and that also made it worse.)

So the other day, I decided that, buddy or not, I was going skiing and I was going to conquer my fear. I ended up having a friend to go with who had only skied twice and he was probably the best ski buddy I could have asked for because we were about at the same level and I could go at a slower pace and not feel as though I was holding anyone back. And you know what? I was a little nervous, but I was never scared. I now feel as though I could totally go back, and enjoy myself again, I just have to remember to stay within my limits and comfort level - and maybe be more careful of whom I pick to accompany me.

At some point, I told M that "there are some days where I am really glad that I'm not the same person I was two years ago, and today is one of those days." Now, I don't know if M really needed to hear that, but it was good for me to say out loud. Because I realized that this ski trip was only partly about proving to myself that I can ski and that I'm not afraid. It was also about proving to myself that I'm a whole person who is strong and independent and can make decisions on her own and doesn't need to be helped through life.

My entire life I was told that I was confident and very grown up for someone my age. And in the last 2 years I have felt like I was anything but that. Don't ever take who you are for granted, constantly develop yourself and give yourself opportunities to grow, because you won't ever grow if you don't take chances. You might be hurt worse than you ever could have imagined, but you also might find that you are stronger and more confident and more sure of yourself than you ever imagined you could be. Only in change does one truly live. Biologically speaking, if your body stopped changing (stopped metabolizing food, stopped growing, stopped healing, etc), you would be dead. The same is true for your soul - you have to give it the opportunity to learn and grow or you will only be moving backwards and unhappiness and discontentment will follow. So, even when times get tough, remember that "even if you fall flat on your face, at least you are moving forward" (Viktor Kiam).

All You Gotta Do Is Hang On...

I am a runner. I am one of the "few" people in this world that can honestly say that I like to run. I have quote books filled with quotes about running, 90% of which I have used in normal conversation and 99% of which I wholeheartedly agree. And I truly think that "running is the greatest metaphor for life, because you get out of it what you put into it." But lately? Lately, I've been rock climbing - indoor bouldering, to be exact.

My friend took me to a wall a few years back and I decided I really liked it. At the time, it was challenging yet relaxing, social, fun, and you could get a really good work-out in less than an hour. I never went very often but always wished I could go more. So when my parents bought me a membership to a climbing gym and a pair of climbing shoes for my birthday this year - I was very excited.

And today, while climbing, I discovered something. No, I can not yet effectively climb upside down like you always see in National Geographic style pictures and I'm really nowhere near to being that good. I discovered that I'm stronger than I was last week. Because I got up a little higher and around a curve that I couldn't quite master then. Now, this curve: the first time I climbed around it, a coach had a hand on my back to remind me that he was there and he wouldn't let me fall. Last week, I climbed by myself and couldn't quite figure it out - plus I was nervous, and that nervousness caused me to not trust myself or the wall. This week? I got myself up and around this curve no problem! Now, I got up to the top and couldn't quite figure out where to go next because I was actually rather surprised that I was there, but that is beside the point. What I realized through this discovery was that I'm stronger.

Now, I've decided that, while running is a great metaphor for life (and comes with far more inspirational quotes than rock climbing does), bouldering is a pretty good place to unearth life lessons as well because, unlike many other sports, if you fall, you could be seriously injured (or die if you're crazy enough to be that good). I climbed that corner today because I was stronger - but I wasn't just physically stronger either, although I'm sure that was part of it. Sometimes strength means conquering your fears - you could fall off that wall flat onto your back...but then again, maybe not - and you will never overcome your fears if you don't challenge them and put them to the test. Sometimes strength means believing in yourself, believing that you can do something that that sinister voice in your brain says you can't. Today, I believed I could do it, I wasn't scared to try, and the I physical strength to follow-through, along with a trust and a faith in my own abilities.

I was stronger, so what? I climbed the corner, so what? Climbing a 10-foot wall in a gym isn't life! There are mats on the ground to protect you if you fall for Pete's Sake! But maybe that's what life is. Being physically, mentally, and emotionally strong enough to challenge yourself and win. And trusting that, even though "the higher you climb, the farther you fall," there will always be someone there to catch you because that's what friends (and family) are for.

The Hardest Part About Growing Up...

So I've been thinking (and as we know, that is always a very interesting, and usually emotional spiral and I really should just kick the habit), but I have. I have been trying to figure out why - after something like 5 months, I am not 100% "over" a relationship that lasted 4. Now those 4 months were...absolutely wonderful and the person was great. But why on earth is this taking so long?! It's really quite frustrating, to say the least.

We already know that I am a person who gets attached - and not only that, I hold on tight. I have had a tendency in my life to hold on to things with unimaginable strength, and then to simply let them go and move on as though I had been preparing for that day for awhile. The best, and first, example of this was between Junior High and High School. My mom actually told me that she was worried about me - worried that I wouldn't be ready for high school when it came because I was so happy in the 8th grade. (Apparently this contentedness is something that most 8th graders don't share.) But the astonishing thing to my mother, was that when 8th grade ended and 9th grade started, I jumped in with both feet and never looked back. And this has been the case with most transitions in my life.

But why, why can't I just move on like I "should." Well, I was trying to figure this out and googled the psychology of this phenomenon and the article I read (while mostly entirely unhelpful) had one good remark - we hold on to exs because it lets us access the part of ourselves that can love.

Now, like most of the rest of the article, that remark was really quite useless on its own, but it did get me thinking - I've gone on some dates and am doing things for myself and am being happy, so maybe my lingering thoughts are really NOT a sign of me having not moved on, but are my way of remembering what was good for me in another person. Because, let's face it, I'm 25 years old and already quite over the whole dating thing. I have no desire to get married right away, but I want to know that person that is my person! I want to start loving them, because why waste any more time!? But as a Rascal Flatts song says:

Every long lost dream led me to where you are

Others who broke my heart they were like Northern stars

Pointing me on my way into your loving arms

This much I know is true

That God blessed the broken road

That led me straight to you

(Yes He did)

I think about the years I spent just passing through

I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you

But you just smile and take my hand

You've been there you understand

It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true.

So maybe it isn't about "getting over" someone - because I've done that. Maybe it's really about finding true love. And you have to learn from your past in order to do that. And to learn from your past, I think that you have to carry it with you more than you would like. Because if you abandon it along your road, then you won't be able to consult it when necessary. But if you take the important parts along in your backpack - or in a folder on you laptop - then you can access them when you need them. 

Your person will come - but you will only be able to recognize them if you know what you are looking for and what makes you happy. So that's my plan - continue with my previous goal of being happy and healthy in mind, body, and spirit within the year - a New Year's Resolution of sorts (assuming that it counts if I started in November.) So I'm going to continue exercising with yoga, Zumba, and bouldering. And I'm going to go on any date that shows the slightest bit of promise. And I'm going to let myself be just a little bit selfish - because as a friend of mine so aptly stated - I want to know how I like my eggs. Because then, and only then, will I know what is truly good for me in the long run and only then will I be able to reach my goals.