So for those of you who don't know this story, I will give you a summary of it:
I grew up skiing, not every weekend like some kids but enough that my Baba bought my sister and I our own gear. Now we went skiing with him a few times a year until his knees stopped letting him go - which conveniently coincided with our gear no longer really fitting properly. After that, I hadn't gone skiing again until 2 years ago - and I was completely and utterly terrified. I wasn't scared because I didn't know how to ski (muscle-memory is really an amazing phenomenon!), instead I was scared because I had somehow developed an irrational fear of falling off the face of the mountain.
Yes, I understand that this fear was irrational and to those of you who don't know much about fears - do NOT EVER try to logic someone out of an irrational fear. It doesn't help, and will probably make it worse.
Needless to say, even though my ski buddy was so kind to me, I still felt that day that I was holding him back and that he really would rather be skiing somewhere else. And I couldn't help how scared I was and I couldn't get over it. (Looking back on it, I think I tried to force myself to get over it, and that also made it worse.)
So the other day, I decided that, buddy or not, I was going skiing and I was going to conquer my fear. I ended up having a friend to go with who had only skied twice and he was probably the best ski buddy I could have asked for because we were about at the same level and I could go at a slower pace and not feel as though I was holding anyone back. And you know what? I was a little nervous, but I was never scared. I now feel as though I could totally go back, and enjoy myself again, I just have to remember to stay within my limits and comfort level - and maybe be more careful of whom I pick to accompany me.
At some point, I told M that "there are some days where I am really glad that I'm not the same person I was two years ago, and today is one of those days." Now, I don't know if M really needed to hear that, but it was good for me to say out loud. Because I realized that this ski trip was only partly about proving to myself that I can ski and that I'm not afraid. It was also about proving to myself that I'm a whole person who is strong and independent and can make decisions on her own and doesn't need to be helped through life.
My entire life I was told that I was confident and very grown up for someone my age. And in the last 2 years I have felt like I was anything but that. Don't ever take who you are for granted, constantly develop yourself and give yourself opportunities to grow, because you won't ever grow if you don't take chances. You might be hurt worse than you ever could have imagined, but you also might find that you are stronger and more confident and more sure of yourself than you ever imagined you could be. Only in change does one truly live. Biologically speaking, if your body stopped changing (stopped metabolizing food, stopped growing, stopped healing, etc), you would be dead. The same is true for your soul - you have to give it the opportunity to learn and grow or you will only be moving backwards and unhappiness and discontentment will follow. So, even when times get tough, remember that "even if you fall flat on your face, at least you are moving forward" (Viktor Kiam).
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