A Really Bad Joke

18 years ago today, I was diagnosed with cancer. That means that I was in Kindergarten and the last thing that I should have had to deal with was dying. I should have been running around outside, getting dirty, causing trouble, and in general, just being a carefree 6-year-old. Instead, I spent my summer inside a hospital, being poked and prodded, feeling generally miserable, and dealing with emotions and fear that no person, but especially not a 6-year-old, should ever have to deal with. I have to say, it was one REALLY bad April Fools' joke. :P

Now, I was what they call "textbook" - I didn't have any weird reactions or complications and went into remission very quickly and in general, was a very healthy kid. But others of my friends were not so lucky. I have friends who had strange side effects, were held back in school, relapsed, and even passed away - some of whom had the exact same disease that I had! Imagine trying to process that at 6-years-old! You are the same age and have the same disease as your friend but you make it, and they don't. Extremely traumatic is probably the simplest way to describe that.

But I guess that is partly the point of this post - I had to grow up at a very young age because I had to be able to deal with something far beyond my abilities. Things like this change you - and they change you for good. You deal with them, process them, and move on, but in the end, that experience stays with you and has fundamentally changed who you are. It also fundamentally changes those people around you who had to deal with it with you. It draws you closer, or pushes you apart. I'm overall a very lucky kid - my relationships were strengthened all the way around. Not only that, but I've developed my own set of interests and passions that come from that experience. But I've also got my own issues that come from there too such as how I deal with conflict - I deal with them as I recognize them and move on, but that doesn't change the fact that for good or bad, near-death experiences fundamentally alter you.

I've played my share of April Fools' jokes, but for me this day means something entirely different. I thank God for my life, the people in it, and those who no longer are. I take some time to remember those that I have lost and ask myself if they would be proud of what I have done with my life, since they never had the chance. Because there is a reason that I am here and they are not. I have absolutely no idea what that reason is, and I will probably never know, but there is a reason, and it wasn't just chance. Because of that, I want to make sure that I am living the legacy that my fellow cancer kids would have wanted me to leave behind; because I should have died 18 years ago, so in reality, I have nothing to lose, and everything to gain - but that doesn't mean that I'm alone.

Be thankful for what you have - each and every day. Be thankful for the little things, because you never know when or how it can be taken from you. Live for those people that have brought you to where you are today, but most of all - live for yourself.