Be Courageous

I saw this quote today and it caught my attention because I agree. When it comes to being hurt - we torture ourselves: we Facebook creep on our ex's and think of the what-ifs and what-might-have-been's, we wish and hope that so-and-so will come to their senses and apologize, the list goes on. And I really don't know why we are masochistic like that, but we are. I suppose it is part if the healing process, but come on! At some point you just have to let it all go and move on! And when you get to that point, it's actually surprising at how tough it is. It's as though we have come to define ourselves by the past, and we hold on to the baggage that hurts us because we are afraid to re-define ourselves in our future. It's as though we are afraid that what is coming can never equal that which we are leaving. And that is obviously not true, because if you are that hurt, then things can only get better. Now of course, as I have said before, out past creates who we are - but it doesn't hold us back from change and who we can be, only specific things that we don't let go are capable of that.

So be courageous!! Be yourself! Because you will never know what is truly wonderful until you have let go of all the hurt - all of the past that holds you back from your potential. So go! Have the courage to let go of what has previously defined you, because only then can we find out what is truly wonderful.

Goals

I never thought very highly of goal-setting. Yes, I know, they are supposed to be a way of focusing your life and staying motivated and there are these bogus "statistics" that say people who set goals are more likely to achieve them...or something. But I'm one of those people who re-evaluates my life constantly, so setting S.M.A.R.T goals was really just a lot of extra work that I didn't (don't) have time for.

However, I took a class this semester where we did goal setting at the beginning and end of the semester and then compared them. We had to write 1-year and 5-year personal goals and professional goals. At the end of the semester, I felt rather justified in my lack of goal-setting practice, because my goals 1) hadn't changed drastically from beginning to end of the semester and 2) the only one that had, I could have totally told you that my thoughts had changed, without comparing the written down goals - I know myself pretty well, thank you very much!

During this process, though, I realized that the professional goals were easy - those are the things that I have been generally working towards my whole life, if not at least the past 8 years. The personal ones though, now those were hard. (Partly because I didn't feel like "get married" was an appropriate long-term personal goal to write down for a leadership class. Not to mention, it's nearly impossible to predict and plan for something like that.) But I was driving home from yoga tonight (yes, yoga, I had to swallow whatever pride I carry around and tell my mom that she "won" and yoga actually made my back feel better - I've been fighting her on this for...'round about 13 years) but I was driving home from yoga and realized that I do have a goal - to feel better about my life. This has been my goal for the last 2 years - as I'm sure if you've read much of this blog, you probably could have guessed. But to get a grip, grow up, and be content and happy.

Now, I am naturally an extremely patient person, but when it comes to myself, I think I can get things done quickly and get very frustrated when I can't. That is also part of this goal. My goal is:

Be completely healthy in mind, body, and spirit, in one year.

That is my true "1-year personal goal" Dr. Robinson, I hope you are happy. So here is my explanation:

- One year because, as much as I hate to admit it, these things take time and I have to accept that. My previous attempts that amounted to "next month," "when school starts," and various versions of "tomorrow" have not worked and were a result of me wanting to force my emotions into submission which is not really very healthy overall. One year will make it so I do not try to rush this process because, after all, you can't rush perfection. :)

- Mind, body, and spirit - because all good things come in threes, and "three is a magic number," but also because these three aspects of a person are so intertwined that they really can't be distinguished, and because if I want to be the best Me that I can be, all three of these need to be in one-piece.

So here is to a journey, and may the journey be as valuable as the destination. 

What I Want

At some point, we re-evaluate our lives - if you are me, this happens on nearly a daily basis. Recently, I've been finding a lot of things that I want that I don't currently have, and I think I've always wanted them. So here is the beginning of the list of things that, at 25, I want:

1. I want to read a book more than just on school breaks.

2. I want to cook.

3. I want to have the time to go to the gym 3 - 5 nights a week - and actually go.

4. I want to go grocery shopping with my roommates.

5. I want to spend Friday afternoons with my mom.

6. I want someone to love me, but I also want them to be willing to work and grow with me. Like an old school pop song, "I want [them] to want me."

7. I want to get a full night's sleep every night.

8. I want to watch TV.

9. I want to go to Happy Hour with my girl friends.

10. I want to clean my apartment. (Well, I want a clean apartment, which means that I want time to clean it...not really that I want to do the cleaning.)

11. I want time to talk to my best friends and keep in touch.

12. I want to hang out with my sister.

13. I want to be able to work and come home, and have work stay at work.

14. I want to make another quilt.

15. I want to work on my scrapbooks.

16. I want to be able to disconnect from the world for an entire week and not have some disaster to fix.

17. I want to walk my [parent's] dogs.

18. I want to go for a run.

19. I want to break in my climbing shoes.

20. I want to be able to sit for 5 minutes, and truly feel like I can and not have to worry about everything else I have to do.

What do you want?

Let Go

A few years ago I was on Greek Council with a few wonderful people. (The bulk if that is a different story.) When our terms were up, an advisor of ours made us a mixed CD with songs that ended up matching each of us perfectly. (Strange CD overall, the songs only go together when listened to altogether, funny, huh?) Anyways, these songs were supposed to represent not only who we were, but also what we should learn. My song was "Let Go" by Frou Frou. I knew it was mine right away because I always tried very hard to let things roll off my back, but I had this feeling that Sam thought it was something I still needed to learn. I have never asked her which she thought, and she probably wouldn't remember now, but I think the real reason it was my song was a little bit of both, because yes, I try very hard to let things roll - but I very often don't succeed.

That has happened to me a lot lately - not succeeding in that arena. One of my roommates has decided that she likes hearing me rant because it reminds her that I'm human. (High compliment in my opinion!) But I rant so that I don't lash out at others in non-productive ways. And when I don't rant, I bottle things up until something sets me off and then 2 or 3 days of my life are ruined with stress and tears. 

Some things are easy to let roll off - the company didn't deliver your material on time, the paper towel dispenser in the bathroom jammed, your boss set you a task you don't enjoy - you either ignore them or turn them into a lesson. But other things are harder - when you have to act like a President because someone acts like they're 12, you have to make a decision that you don't necessarily know is right, or someone abandons you when you thought better of them - those things take time...and good friends...and a hug...and a glass of wine...and maybe a relatively threatening rant that everyone knows won't come to fruition.

My last 2 days were like that. And I cried my eyes out multiple times. And I woke up this morning feeling a whole heck of a lot better because of the friends that I had, who were there for me when I needed them - no matter how much I'm sure they wish I'd figure it out and find some other life issue to cry about. 

So I guess this is a reminder to me and to all to "let go" and "live and let live" but also a tremendous thank you to the wonderful friends that I have - you truly have saved me more times than you realize.

Loyalty

When I die, I hope that people say that I'm loyal. I hope they say other things too, but a friend of mine called me "loyal" last week, and I was so flattered. I think it was one of the best compliments that I've ever received, and I don't think she knows what it meant to me. But just as we all know, every strength can be a fault if not used appropriately.

I have a random post (with not much on it, I'll admit), but it says "Never push a loyal person to the point where they no longer give a damn." Now, to be honest, I didn't write much on that post because I was mad, I didn't have a whole lot to say, and I knew that nothing that I could say would have been very productive. But the quote made a good point. Loyalty is something that we desire in friends, significant others, and hopefully everyone in our lives. And when you lose that person, it isn't going to be a very positive experience for you.

Surprisingly enough, loyalty is what I'm still looking for. I'm looking for someone who fits me perfectly and who is going to be loyal. They are going to be honest, truthful, and forthcoming and they will help me to be the same. So when you say something, mean it, and don't back down later without being honest about it. Because if you aren't honest, those loyal people in your life will leave. They will leave and never look back - because they value honestly and loyalty too.

Advice from Others

Since this has mostly been an advice blog I felt like I should share the advice of others as well. These two blogs (here and here) are about marriage, but I thought they were relevant in any relationship as well. Marriage is a topic that I cannot speak to, but relationships, we all have those in many forms.

"Slutoween"

So I was on Twitter - yes, I have one, not entirely sure why except for that a bunch of my friends have one - and stumbled across this article. What made this even more entertaining for me was that I was sitting in my apartment in my sweats also seeing pictures of a bunch of my friends getting dressed up to go to the bars, and my only thought was how much better it would be for me to go to bed early instead.... #gradschoolproblems . (And I'm now up writing this, so I didn't do that either!) Now, the most revealing costumes I've worn still had me completely covered and modest - I do have photographic evidence of this, but you will have to take my word for it. But I have also seen girls go out in literally their bra and underwear with some sort of ears or headband. (Now those individuals, I judge, but you don't need to hear that topic.) But in general, I don't really care what people wear on Halloween. Here's why:

In our traditional, Halloween is about being scary, but the real history is about Samhain and the spirits that were supposed to come out and damage crops and play tricks on people at the change of seasons in the Celtic Year. The Romans and the Christians each tweaked the holiday as they came through Celtic territory and what resulted was impersonating the dead and the asking for sweet bread in exchange for prayers for people's souls. HuffingtonPost How we got to exactly where we are today, I'm not 100% positive but it involved a good many generations, I'm sure.

My point (because the history lesson really wasn't it, I promise), is that the modern view of Halloween (or All Hallow's Eve) is not necessarily about being something scary and impersonating the dead, it's simply about being something that you're not. You can choose to be slutty or not, but you just can't be yourself.

To many people, they aren't sluts, so they want to be one for a night, at least in dress. Try it on for size. See if that's something that becomes them. (I could say the same thing about the "One Night Stand" I met a few years ago who was a guy dressed up like a bedside table - kudos to you, I'm obviously still talking about it!) But the thing is - the girls who aren't sluts, hang up their costume when they get home, because it was fun to dress that way for one night, but it's not who they are.

The psychology review that the Cosmo article included pointed out the confusing sexual messages given to girls of our generation. I do think they have a good point, which is why so many girls dress scantily on Halloween - to get away from all those signals because no one will judge you for one night. (Even though there may be some heavy teasing involved.) I don't think that people do this consciously by any means, but I do think it's a big part of being 20-something. Being 20-something is about figuring out who you are amid all the pressures around you; and when those pressures are conflicting and you get a group of people going through huge life changes, there needs to be a safe outlet for those internal frustrations. During the rest of the year, people find different ways of getting rid of those pressures, but at Halloween they have the option of a different tactic.

Doing something (anything!) out of your norm can be a good release for people because they can try something different. They can go out on a limb and see if they like it there. Whatever the "different thing" is, the experience is going to help us to grow in some way. Maybe you find something that you love and fits you perfectly...or maybe you fail miserably and learn from the "mistake." But whichever the outcome, you grow. Dressing up at Halloween might be a frail attempt at "something different" considering that most of us have grown up dressing as SOMETHING for Halloween, but the costume choice can help that. Be something you aren't - just for one night (slutty or not) - and see how you like (or don't like) the view. Maybe you will gain a different perspective on life.

So the question now becomes: if the rule is that you can't be yourself - who will you be?

Happy (early) Halloween!